Self Care Sunday- Skincare Edition

Hello my lovely readers and welcome to the very first Self Care Sunday. Today I’m going to be talking about my skin care routine. Recently I’ve been wanting to take better care of my skin. I’ve been watching some YouTube videos about it and I really like Dr. Shah. Here’s a link to the channel he has with Dr. Maxfield https://youtube.com/c/Doctorly  Here’s a link a specific video. https://youtu.be/ph0tBLZcnas I modeled my skin care regimen after this information. Dr. Shah says all you really need is a cleanser, a moisturizer, and a sunscreen. Here is a picture of all my current skin care products and tools.

Now I’ll go through each product/tool one by one and tell you how much I paid for it.

Step 1. Cleanser - CeraVe Foaming Facial Cleanser for normal to oily skin. Target $13.49. This is a really general cleanser that dot really foam too much. Or not at all in my opinion. To be fair I’m not seeing if it foams while I wash my face in the shower. i make sure my face is damp first. Then I use it all over my face and the front of my neck. Avoiding my eyes and mouth. I rinse it off with warm water. I apply just using my fingers and wash it off in the same fashion. I should be washing my face twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. But ya’ girl lazy.

Step 2. Moisturizer AM- Up and Up Oil Free Facial Moisturizer with Sunscreen broad spectrum SPF 15 Target $7.99. It has a little bit of a smell, but more like a sunscreen smell than anything else. It’s really lightweight and leaves my skin feeling soft. I apply it to my face and front of my neck with my fingers. I also like that it has sunscreen in it. So even if I don’t put extra sunscreen on my face is a little bit protected. PM- Up and Up Nighttime Facial Moisturizing Lotion (lightweight + oil-free) Target $9.99. This moisturizer has the same effect just without sunscreen. I apply this to my face and neck after washing my face before bed. It’s also lightweight. The only real difference from the AM moisturizer is it doesn’t have sunscreen. I don’t need sunscreen while I’m sleeping.

Step 3. Sunscreen Neutrogena Clear Face Oil-Free Sunscreen (broad spectrum SPF 55) Marshalls $6.99 I’ve only used this sunscreen a few times. But I have to admit it doesn’t have a sunscreen smell. I hate the smell of sunscreen. It is really lightweight like they say. I use it over my moisturizer in the AM. I feel better knowing I have extra protection from the sun even though my AM moisturizer already has sunscreen in it. I don’t think protection after 30 SPF is really any different. But I like that this sunscreen is lightweight and oil-free as I have oily skin. I haven’t yet, but I’m considering reapplying this sunscreen in the midday. Especially on extra sunny days or days when my skin gets really oily. After washing my face with just some soap and water. I’m sure you could use this sunscreen anywhere. But I’m going to reserve it to my face. Since the rest of my skin can handle more oily sunscreen.

Occasional products/tools:

Up and Up Maximum Strength 10% Benzoyl Peroxide Gel Target $3.49 I use this as a spot treatment for big or persistent zits. After I wash my face I apply with my finger. I only put a tiny bit on and rub it on to the zit. I wait for it to dry a bit and then apply my moisturizer. I don’t want to rub the benzoyl peroxide places it doesn’t need to be as it is very drying. 

Cake Birthday Cleansing Scrub Ross $3.99 I do not know this brand, nor is it good to do a face scrub too often. But it smelled much too good to pass up. I’ve used it once so far and it was pretty gentle. Although I made sure not to scrub too hard. I apply this with my fingers to a damp face after washing my face with my cleanser. Then I wash it off with warm water. This is something I might only use once a week or only a few times a month. You don’t to exfoliate your skin too often because it will get rid of the skins natural outer barrier.

Cala Spinning Facial Brush Ross about $4.00 (or maybe it was only $2.00) This is a simple battery powered facial spinning brush. It has two speeds slow or fast. Only one button. Press once for on (slow), twice for fast, and three times for off. It has 2 different brushes. The white whisker like one and the pink rubber one. I haven’t used the pink one, but my guess is it would be more gentle than the white one. The white one can get a little scratchy. To use I wet the brush under the faucet with cold water. Then put some of my cleanser in the center of the brush and rub it in. Be careful not to get it too wet. If you do it spins water everywhere. Then I move it around my face gently while it spins in circles. The down fall to this tool is I need to wet my face first to use it. I started using this originally because my back was hurting. I was having a hard time bending down to wash my face in the sink. I thought this would eliminate that part of the routine, but it didn’t. My back is feeling better now, but even if it wasn’t I probably would still choose to just use my fingers to wash my face instead of the spinning brush. Although I still plan to use it on occasion.

Well those are all my skin care products/tools. It’s pretty simple and short which makes me more likely to do it every day. Please take care of your skin. I used to have more acne. But just by washing my skin once a day I’ve noticed my skin is much clearer. Also a freshly cleaned face just feels nice. It’s the small things after all. I’d love to know your skincare routine or products you recommend. Comment down below. That’s all for now. Until next time catch ya’ on the flip side.

Sayonara Santa Cruz

Santa Cruz,

For over two years I called you my home.

Now you’re likely empty and alone.

For once you had girls within your walls,

Running, crying, laughing…

Dear, dear Santa Cruz we did it all! 

There were fights, messes, many things broken, 

Restraints, yelling, and every curse word spoken.

Food eaten,

Food left untouched.

Videos and songs on repeat,

And never ever a lack of love.

There were tears,

Tears, and frustrating days.

Paperwork, upon paperwork,

All hours of every day. 

I laid on your couches,

I sat in your chairs,

I laid on your bed and thought of the people who used to be there.

Santa Cruz you were full of goodbyes,

Yet full of hellos.

Of happy screams,

And things uniquely your own. 

Not very big, but large in heart.

3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 1 office,

And the one and only Santa Cruz dryer.

There were days of French toast breakfasts,

That I no longer wanted to make.

Medications and mistakes.

Learning curves and drama,

Plans on the whiteboard. 

“What are we doing today?”

“Can I watch TV?”

“Why am I sidelined?”

“Leave me alone!”

Read.

“Kelsey?”

“No.”

“Bonquiqui?”

“Yes.”

Best and worsts,

Limbs in the air.

It’s Saturday.

That’s all I have to say.

Repetition,

Same shit different day.

Predictably unpredictable.

When I walked away from you for the last time,

I got to my car and I cried.

My heart ached for days.

I ache now. 

To know that I can never go back,

Even though I wasn’t going to.

Erased.

Someone, someday might live there.

And not know.

Not know you were once a place,

A place for all those who had really no where else to go,

To belong.

Staff and residents,

An unconventional family.

Family all the same. 

There is no more boat.

No more oars.

No more rowing,

Circles,

Leaks,

Or rocking.

No more trying to stay afloat,

Or working together.

No more “Be good,”

“I love you.”

“It’s never too late to have a good day.”

So long,

Sayonara,

Dear, dear Santa Cruz.

You will never be forgotten.

Movies Tag

In a post Oscars world movies have been put on the backburner. Do not, DO NOT, even bring up what happened at the Oscars this year. I'm tired of hearing about it. So instead I decided to do this movies tag, because put simply I love movies.

27 QUESTIONS MOVIE TAG

Credit: SE Wagner http://papersol.blogspot.com/2015/10/27-questions-movie-tag.html

1. Favorite action film? Shang-Chi maybe (although I wouldn't really consider that action.) Catch that Kid (although more of a heist movie than an action movie). So I guess I'll have to go with The Spy Who Dumped Me (but that might not even be an action movie. Maybe a comedy-action movie? That's not a thing.)

2. Favorite comedy film? We are the Millers

3. Favorite “dark humour” or “black comedy” film? Jojo Rabbit. My dad and I were the only ones in the theater laughing. It was so funny.

4. Favorite scene from this film? Absolutely every scene with Taika Waititi who played Hitler.

5. Favorite animated film? Robin Hood

6. Favorite short film? Lava

7. Favorite romance film? 27 Dresses

8. Favorite biographical film? Rush

9. Favorite drama film? Okay imma be real I Goggled drama films, because I was like "what's considered a drama film. Things I saw and thing that came to mind are Call Me By Your Name (SOOOOOOOOO GOOOD!!!) and Room.

10. Favorite music-themed film? Music themed, does this mean a movie musical? If that is the case then it's Hairspray (2007) if it's a movie revolving around music and the making of it I say Begin Again or maybe Pitch Perfect 3. My group home girls LOVED it! To be fair it was pretty funny.

11. Favorite sci-fi film? Guardians of the Galaxy

12. Favorite indie film? The Art of Getting By

13. Favorite book adaptations? The Last Song, although I saw the movie then read the book. I want to say the Harry Potter films, but since I don't re-read books I can't remember how accurate the books are in comparison to the movies.

14. Films you want to see but never get round to watching? Fight Club and Pulp Fiction.
15. Favorite compilation soundtrack? Disney Compilation Soundtracks Volumes I-III. I listened to these on repeat growing up. I know each word to all the songs. 
16. Film you refuse to see? The rest of the Twilight films. My best friend is a huge Twilight fan so one year for her birthday I agreed to watch the first one with her. But I'm not watching the rest. There was a girl in my high school that was OBSESSED with Twilight! And I didn't like her so I just decided not to watch them. I felt like she ruined any fun they could've been for me. 
17. Films you can’t wait to come out? Nope by Jordan Peele
18. Best tearjerker? Marley and Me
19. Remake you wish had never been made? West Side Story. Good for Ariana DeBose who won the best supporting actress this year for her role of Anita, but West Side Story is overplayed and just dumb in general. But of course that's only my opinion. Like seriously how many times can you do a Romeo and Juliet story!?! Over it.
20. Best film you’ve seen in 3D? Hmmm... either one of the Spy Kids movies (I feel like I saw at least one of those in 3D; the 2nd one?) and/or Shark Boy and Lava Girl or Rugrats in Paris. I'm pretty sure Rugrats in Paris was in 4D though so that included smell. At that time that was revolutionary. Also I used to call 3D “3D Dimensional” which annoyed my dad, but in hindsight is pretty cute. 
21. Most beautiful film? (in terms of cinematography) Roma. I'm upset it didn't win best picture. 
22. Movie that didn’t meet your expectations? The Fault in Our Stars. The book was so eloquent. They changed important facts about the characters and dumbed it down to a 5 year old level. So upsetting. Also, Finding Nemo (don't hate me) and Avatar the Last Airbender (that movie was all sorts of wrong.)
23. Movie that exceeded your expectations? Well I think the movies that are the best are the ones that I go in with no expectations so I'll say Avatar.
24. Best cinema experience? When my kid sister and I went to see Aquamarine. We were so excited to see the movie and I remember just being in aw. We might've even held hands before it started because we were so excited to see it. 
25. Most surprising movie moment? The end of Us by Jordan Peele. I still can't.

26. Favorite dance sequence in a movie? "You Can't Stop the Beat" at the end of the Hairspray (2007)

27. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Nightmare Alley. Just ewww.

Comment with your own answers. I'd love to hear them. Until next time catch ya on the flip side.

Unfinished Draft

Below is a draft I found from 2/12/13. I didn't even know it was in here. I left it incomplete on purpose. It would not be fair to 18 year old me to finish a post for something I no longer know the end to. But here it is for what it is. That's all for now and until next time catch ya on the flip side.

I'm past tiredness, past comprehension, past caring, or daring to change the fact that I no longer care. I have school tomorrow, so what? It's just school. And what's the point? To get a degree, to get a job, make money, to support a family, and then repeat the process all over again? Maybe humans are just robots. Programed to do exactly the same thing, day in and day out, generation to generation, no matter what. With no feeling or purpose at all. Newsflash, we will all die, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. How? I don't know and I don't really care. That's not the point. The point is when you...

Where I'm From

I was substitute teaching at a local high school last week. This assignment was on the walls. And there was a prompt with blank lines, like a Mad Libs to fill in with your own words on the teacher's desk. Below is the original poem and below that is mine. I'm pretty proud of it as it's not the style of poetry I usually do. Have fun reading and until next time catch ya on the flip side.

Where I'm From

By: George Ella Lyon

I am from clothespins,
from Clorox and carbon-tetrachloride.
I am from the dirt under the back porch.
(Black, glistening,
it tasted like beets.)
I am from the forsythia bush
the Dutch elm
whose long-gone limbs I remember
as if they were my own.

I'm from fudge and eyeglasses,
          from Imogene and Alafair.
I'm from the know-it-alls
          and the pass-it-ons,
from Perk up! and Pipe down!
I'm from He restoreth my soul
          with a cottonball lamb
          and ten verses I can say myself.

I'm from Artemus and Billie's Branch,
fried corn and strong coffee.
From the finger my grandfather lost
          to the auger,
the eye my father shut to keep his sight.

Under my bed was a dress box
spilling old pictures,
a sift of lost faces
to drift beneath my dreams.
I am from those moments--
snapped before I budded --
leaf-fall from the family tree.

Where I’m From

By Ky Turk

I am from mountains,

from rocks and pinecones.

I am from dirt which is the ground

(Brown, dry, and caked all over your body.)

I am from the pine,

the Jeffrey Pine

whose needles fell making it slippery

be careful.

I’m from summer vacations and tans,

From Connie Wolfe and Kris Turk.

I’m from the talkers and the eaters,

From “Clean your room.” and “If you’re full stop eating.”

I’m from we are saved by grace and Wednesday

night youth group

I’m from Ventura and the British,

See’s Candy and lobster.

From my grandpa’s speech with pictures of Pierce lining his coat,

from my grandma’s decades of ElderHostel trips.

In the hallway’s cupboard there are shoe boxes full of photo envelopes,

taken and organized by my mother,

capturing every moment.

I am from the photos,

shiny but old,

freezing who I used to be.

Someday

Someday I'll be okay,

Someday I'll be able to tell everyone who I am.

Someday I'll be able to speak my mind,

And not be afraid of the repercussions.

Someday you'll see,

Someday everyone will see,

The person they missed out on.

You'll be kicking yourself,

Regretting your actions,

I won't be around to care.

Someday I'll like me for me,

Someday I'll know what I'm worth,

And never settle for less.

Someday I won't say sorry,

For the things I didn't do.

The things I have no reason...

To even be sorry for.

Someday I'll have peace.

Someday I'll understand.

Someday,

Someday,

Someday,

Somewhere south of never.

If I told you the truth would you stay?

If I told you come would you jump?

Could you open your eyes and listen?

Would you love me the same?

Or would my name leave your lips,

And my memory leave your brain?

I could hold out forever.

I could pretend for a lifetime.

None of that would do me justice,

None of that would make me happy.

So I'll stand on the precipice of what I want to tell you.

And what you want to hear,

Until someday...

When I have the nerve to stand,

Even if I'm standing alone.

Someday may never come,

You may never understand.

You might stand still.

But here I am and here I'll stay,

Waiting for someday to set me free. 

 

 

Please

Please open the damn door!
I miss you.
You’re an asshole, but still I miss you.
But still I love you.
But still I know that no one will ever be you.
Stupid wedding!
Stupid FUCKING wedding!
Making me think of you.
Think of your promise,
Of what you wanted to do all those years ago.
7.
7 years and I still love you.
7 years and I still see it like it was yesterday.
7 years and I still have Shane days.
Just your name, or anyone with it, makes my heart jump.
Jump then sink.
So low death would be a relief.
I know,
I know,
I fucking know we can’t be together.
Then why oh why does some part of me hope we can be?
Maybe part of you wishes that too.
I know that isn’t true.
Who am I kidding?
I know you’ll open it.
But it’s been longer than usual so I’m getting worried.
Worried it will really shut this time.
Worried I’ll never talk to you again.
Worried you won’t keep your promise.
Forever and always never otherwise.
You promised!
Please unblock me.
Please text me.
Please call me.
Please snap chat me.
I’ll take anything.
Just please open the damn door.
Please!

Dating Apps

Dear People On Dating Apps,

You put your height in the app you don’t have to list that in your bio. It doesn’t matter!!! While we are on the topic of bios not writing one just tells me how much you can’t hold a conversation. If you can’t even talk about yourself for one paragraph than why would I go on a date with you?!? How in the world are all the people on dating apps active, indecisive (beach or mountains just pick one!!! Both is not an answer), outdoor activity loving, conservative/moderate, POT heads!?! Am I the only person left in CA who doesn’t smoke weed or has a vape pen?? Do you think the more “pretty” you are the less you have to write about yourself (less read as zero)? I guess it works out for you because your pictures speak volumes. Fuck boy, fuck boy, fuck boy and my finger swipes left, left, left. My profile features a picture of me at OC Pride wearing a shirt that clearly says “I am Asexual” with fucking LGBTQ+ flags painted on my face. For god sakes tell me why you ask me if I’m down to fuck or anything closely related to sex!?! It’s my profile picture. It’s in clear view! It’s not a revealing top. There is nothing to distract you. Gah! Unmatch.

What I want to say on my profile:

NOT DTF!!! If you are swipe left!
If you ❤️ weed, vaping, or cigs. Left!
Your big catch from fishing, your muscles, and your facial hair DOES NOT impress me one FUCKING bit!
No I’m not an outside person. I hate beer and coffee. Isn’t anyone here for a long time anymore?!?

My idea of a perfect date is dinner and a movie or kicking your butt at a card/board game. I like drinking cocktails, talking about real shit, food, naps, movies, and Disney. My favorite thing to do is absolutely nothing at all. I think too much and I don’t with the flow. Looking for something romantically exclusive.

Again for the person in the back I’M QUEER AND I DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOU!!!

That’s all for now until next time catch ya on the flip side.

Seriously pissed off and utterly hopeless,

Ky

You Don't Know; It Hurts You

What you don't know does hurt you,
Your ignorance is bliss.
You don't know what challenge is,
This phone barely rings,
You sit in your office like a queen in a castle,
Thinking you are some shit,
Ruling the land saying,
"Look at me, look at me."
"I work hard!"
"I do good!"
"Look at all I go through"
"The struggle is real"
Well let me tell you... you ain't shit.
And your struggle isn't real.
I rarely got to sit in peace,
Pee in peace,
Let alone eat in peace.
There is no peace when Kamira is around.
Talking your ear off,
Wearing you down.
Or G threatening to hit you,
Wanting to go to the hospital,
Or Lita running on the freeway,
Beating the shit out of you,
Or the kids hopping over the fence,
As you fall on your ass chasing them,
Filing a missing persons report,
Waiting for CHP,
Or CAT,
Or arguing with the motherfucking CMPD!
Restraining kids,
And bleeding as a result.
Pulling over on a busy street,
Getting spit on,
Punched in the face,
Broken sunglasses,
$550 down the drain.
Being cursed at,
"BITCH!"
Yelled at,
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
When you aren't allowed to do that.
Might as well have put a target on your back.
What I'm trying to say is...
Walk a mile in my shoes,
Then tell me your job is hard.
Then tell me it's a busy day.
Oh wait you'd cry trying,
You'd die trying,
No you'd never complain again!
Because this shit is a walk in the park,
A piece cake.
I could do it with my eyes closed,
Oh wait! There's nothing to do!
What you don't know does hurt you,
Your clients,
Your staff,
And me!
So just fuck off,
And STFU!

The Return of You

I pushed you out of my life because you were toxic and now here you are creeping slowly back in. I’m not sure I wished for this. I loved you like I’ve never loved anyone before. Honestly. But you hurt me like no one else ever has. You took from me like no one else ever has. You changed me like no one else did; and I’m still trying to figure out if that was a good thing. I chose you. In that time I wanted to be the victim too, but I chose you. Every single step of the journey. I chose you above me. So much so that I was withering away to nothing. Throwing up my own food, anxious, and nauseous to the point that I even scared myself. Which is pretty hard to do, because when you’re in love you think you’re invincible. We weren’t. We aren’t. Now as I let you back in. Now as you come to me. It feels the same. You were using again. You’re detoxing again. You did so much damage to your own body. I still think you don’t take care of you. I may always love you, but I’m happy I’m not with you. I wouldn’t want to be apart of this mostly downward going spiral. On the other hand, when you talk to me I miss it. I hear myself trying so hard to see you. I feel myself getting worked up. I want to drive up anyway, for I’ll always know where to go. I won’t though because after all these years I’ve done some growing up too. But I do miss your hugs, your silly sense of humor, your cute butt, the way you listen to me, and your hair. I miss rolling around on the floor with you and kissing you. I want to tell you how having sex with you still haunts me. How trapped you made me feel. How stupid you made me feel for being scared and how now (rarely though) I’ve found people who understand. I want to tell you I’m sorry that I blamed it on your previous sex life for that wasn’t the case. It was how you handled me combined with my own insecurities, anxieties, and difficulties in letting go. I want you to see how whole I have become. Really see. Not just in some passing by shit. Though I worry when I see you your charm will get the best of me and I’ll kiss you. As much as my heart flutters when I think of that I know it’s the wrong thing. You coming back into my life, little by little reminds me how lonely you really were. How secluded drugs make people and how you say I never really got to know the real you. If that is true I wish I could. I will do, like I’ve always said, believe in you. With your return comes all my old feelings, the good and the bad. All the old memories, the happy and the sad. I just hope with a stronger, wiser head on my shoulders I can manage my feelings better. Maybe we can actually be friends. Or maybe it’s doomed to fail. But either way I’m always here, and you know where to find me. Come home.

That’s all for now. Until next time catch ya on the flip side.

Gender Debunked

So BEWARE rant below. I'm stepping on my gender stereotype soapbox because I'm tired of this shit for real it's 2018 for crying out loud!!!

First lets define some terms once and for fucking all:
Sex- the physical/biological reproductive organs, chromosomes, and hormones you were giving at birth. 
Gender- Something you determine on your own. The way you feel about your gender inside your brain, heart, and soul.
Sexual orientation- Who you are attracted to in a physical or romantic way. 

Now that we got those semantics out of the way go to your closet and look at your clothes. What color are they? What are they made of? Do they have cliche sayings on them or generic patterns? Superheros or rock bands?  Are you wearing dresses or pants?

My closet consists of mostly black t shirts and skinny blue jeans. With lots of converse, toms, and my beloved pair of rainbow kicks. I have too many hats to count and hoodies up the wazoo. I have dresses too, but only wear them on special occasions and take them off as soon as I can and put on some pants. 

Because I said I own dresses you're probably assuming my gender is female. Wrong. But honestly my gender is beside the point. What you wear shouldn't dictate what gender you are and what gender you are shouldn't dictate what you wear. Just because you're a boy doesn't mean you can't wear a dress. And just because you're a boy who wears dresses doesn't mean your gay, or trans, or bi either. Do your clothes have labels on them that say girls dress. Is there a law that says only girls can wear dresses? Why don't you go check? I'll wait.... NONE exactly. When my mom was young she wasn't allowed to wear jeans, because her mom wouldn't let her. My grandma said they were for boys. My grandma herself as a school teacher had to wear dresses every work day. In my 23 years of life I don't think I've ever seen her wear a dress. Does wearing pants make a woman less womanly?

It's in our culture. Just walk into Target you'll see from infant clothes all the way to adult clothes they are separated by gender. A baby has no fucking clue what sex they are. And you imposing your gender stereotypes and expectations on them is only hindering them from being their true selves. How can they truly express their gender if you suppress them. Yeah that onesie that says Mommy's little man seems harmless, but you could be completely missgendering your child. Besides is it really that critical that other people know the sex of your baby (because keep in mind you won't know your child's gender until they are older and can decide for themselves) ? Because babies are cute, precious balls of squish. People will compliment you on how cute your baby is regardless of if they know the gender or not. My mom told me when I was young people thought I was a boy and would get so mortified when she told them I was a girl that she started putting a bow on my head so people could tell the difference. You caring about how your babies sex (mistakenly gender) is viewed by others is a reflection on you and your own insecurities or not wanting to fight the status quo. I challenge you to fight norm and battle your insecurities. Say to that woman in the grocery store when they ask if your baby is a boy or a girl, "The sex of my baby is male, but we won't know Toby's gender until he decides for himself." Dress your baby boy in a dress.

At my work some of my co-workers revealed that upon their first impression they thought our manager was a lesbian based on how she dresses. We continued to have a heated discussion on if the clothes you wear matter. One of my co-workers was saying that certain clothes made my manager look like a lesbian and others made her not. 1. Who the fuck cares 2. Clothes are just pieces of fabric sewn together. Yes it is a way to express yourself, but I know for me and my manager both we feel more comfortable in stereotypical guy clothes. But why do girls always have to look pretty? why do they have to look like the object? And what is wrong with a pretty man? 

Honestly, I just want to shop in a store and buy the clothes I want without getting looked at funny. I want girls and boys to stop being pigeon holed into boxes they may not fit in. Today in a child development class I wanted to do an in-class activity on princesses and a girl in my group said no because preschool boys don't like princesses. Bullshit. The characters I loved the most as a kid were Robin Hood and Peter Pan. Tinker Bell, Pocahontas, and Belle. I thought I could sing like Aladdin and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. So don't you fucking tell me that boys don't like princesses. 

If you opened your fucking mind maybe an original thought would come in instead of this cookie cutter, I drank the kool-aid bullshit! Just letting you know I'm not buying it, not even for a second. And I'm here to tell you the world is so much more fluid and diverse than you know, step one inch out of your comfort zone and you will see.

Rant over. Until next time catch ya' on the flip side and remember whatever your gender you are beautiful to me!

Hurt

I shouldn't be, but I am.
How could you pick her instead of me?
Maybe it's just a project to you.
But not to me.
A chance to be friends
Closer, I mean. Is lost.
I think you like her,
But at what cost?
Maybe I shouldn't like you.
Maybe I should just give it up.
It's just my luck,
That you, one of my only school friends
Picks a rando for a group project
Instead of me.
The girl you got drinks with,
The girl you've walked to class with twice a week,
I know it shouldn't matter.
That I shouldn't care.
That I should just be chill,
But my mind is angry,
My heart is hurt
I thought you might be flirting.
I guess not.
I thought there might be a spark.
I guess not.
So you don't like me,
And I have the world's biggest crush on you
FanFUCKINGtastic!
Forever second best
Forever alone.

How Am I Supposed To Feel

How am I supposed to feel when you fuck me?
How am I supposed to feel when you tell me you don't think you're ready?
Will you ever be?
Should I date other people?
But I don't want to.
Because I like you.
Is that so wrong?
You talk to me, call me beautiful, and amazing.
So tell me how am I supposed to feel?
You say I shouldn't apologize for my feelings
But all I want to say is sorry.
Because I'm afraid if I don't apologize you'll find a reason to leave.
I'm not like other girls.
I'm scared that will drive you away.
How am I supposed to feel when I feel like we are so different
Yet similar all at the same time.
I know where you come from.
I'm not judging you on that.
I'm only judging you on the person you are now.
And I don't know how I feel.
You let me sit there when I cried
You wiped away my tears
And yet maybe even still
A connection isn't in the cards
Maybe it's another dead end
That just ends with us as friends.
I hope not.
So it's probably too soon to tell
There is no fast track to love
Even though I wish there were
I jump too fast.
I give too much.
How am I supposed to feel about all the rest?
Like uncertain futures
And nights spent alone
Does it really all fall into place?
I doubt it.
I feel sad, confused
And kinda like I'm not good enough for anyone
Not even you.
I know it's twisted.
I know it's wrong.
But how am I supposed to feel?

2018 is Hell

It's only been 24 days and it's already the worst year yet.
A one night stand on New Years.
Hopeless swiping on dating apps.
The loss of 2 friends.
Starting school just to feel alone even more.
Fabulous.
Work always needs you.
You have your life all planned out,
And all you can do is wait for everyone else to catch up.
It's exhausting!
You're 20 pounds over weight.
You're single.
You can't get a date.
You're dying from the inside out.
No one cares.
No one sees.
You realized you picked the wrong major.
But there is nothing you can do,
If you want to graduate on time anyway.
So you just put your head down and pretend you give a rats ass.
You feel stuck,
You feel sad,
You feel like banging your head against a wall,
So the thoughts stop spinning.
So my head starts bleeding.
So someone sees that inside I'm dying.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm going to die alone.
Ain't no boy or girl gonna love me
For all that I am,
Ain't no one gonna love me the way I love them.
Ain't no one gonna understand,
Ain't no one gonna hold my hand,
And tell me that it's gonna be okay.
It's not okay.
Rain clouds clear.
Depression clouds hover.
Life is this stupid game people force you to play.
You're supposed to be casual,
Go with the flow.
I don't go with the flow,
I don't smoke weed.
I'm here for a longtime AND a good time.
I want to get married at 25.
Time is fucking ticking.
I want to have 3 kids.
I'm not afraid.
I'm ready.
If you don't want a relationship, don't talk to me,
If you can't really truly be my friend, don't talk to me.
You either love all of me or you don't get the chance to love me.
I need someone smart.
I need someone ambitious.
I'm done with the random sex.
I'm done with this casual bullshit.
Be real 100% or just GTFO!
I do not have room for wishy washy people in my life like you.
To 2018, I'm over you already.
You were supposed to be better.
You lied.

Feelings About You

You don't need me,

I need you. 

I want you, 

This much is true. 

I tried.

No that's a lie. 

I didn't try. 

But I fell,

God I fell so hard, 

For you,

Which really I didn't mean to do. 

It was supposed to be Vaibhav not Kunal. 

But either way I can't have it all. 

I can't have my cake and eat it too,

My dreams can't come true,

Because I love you and you'll never love me back. 

I feel like I'm under attack,

I feel like something is wrong,

Like there is no where I belong. 

It's not fair,

It's not fair how much I care.

I want your heart,

But she has it.

I want your time, 

But work has it.

If you really wanted something you would make time,

I guess you don't want me.

I'm not just some dame

Who can be tamed,

To prescribe to your every wish,

But damn how nice it feels when we kiss,

I miss you when we can't be near,

My heart warms when you call me dear,

I call you babe,

I wish it was true.

I wish you were my babe,

My significant other, my boo.

I wish I could say how in love I am with you.

But I can't, cuz you'll leave.

I can't because you speaking the truth will surely break me.

I didn't mean to fall for you.

It wasn't the plan.

But here I am.

Heart open, arms outstretched,

Standing here scared to death,

That without you I'll die alone.

You love her but about me care.

I'm just a filler, and then I turn and suddenly your there.

Wanting me. 

How can this be? 

I'm so confused.

You told me it was lack of time.

But I don't know what to believe.

My heart is telling me to stay,

And my mind is telling me to leave. 

I'm not trying to change you. 

Really I'm not.

I'm just sitting here wishing. 

Wishing that acting like we are together made it real.

But acting isn't real.

So the moral of the story is,

Feelings suck,

I'm not enough,

And you can have it your way but I can't have it my way. 

I'm not sorry,

Because you kissed me.

But I am sorry for caring,

Because apparently you don't need it. 

What It Would've Been Like To Kiss You

Awkward kinda cuz you would've made it so,

Shut it down and said no,

Felt bad for being rude,

To my feelings I would've been true,

But I know it can't go anywhere,

We leave tomorrow,

I just wanted to kiss you because it's Thailand and I could.

It's was easy it was money,

Maybe we would've laughed it off like it was funny,

Questions, answers

Decisions, consequences

Opposites attract

But similarities are necessary.

Could you see it in my face?

Would you of let me?

I'll let it slide,

We leave tomorrow,

But just for now,

In this moment I'll ponder the other option,

Is it better to play it safe or live boldly?

I told you I could be patient.

Maybe you trust me a little.

I want to keep it.

I try to be low key,

Low key is overrated.

I don't regret spending my last night talking to you.

Admirable,

Reserved,

Playful, 

Architect,

Neat,

An ocean a part, a personality away, different in culture, different in all the visible ways. 

Similar in humor, connected by passion, loyal to friends, and killer smiles,

It's the small things,

It only takes one spark to start a fire,

Let the fire run wild,

Hope it never runs out,

But if the road ends here it's alright,

Because I'm grateful to call you my friend even if just for tonight,

The night I'll remember and let my mind wander,

What it would've been like to kiss you I'll ponder,

Never to be known or yet to be discovered,

The world may never know. 

So you wanna come to SoCal

I've lived in Southern California all my life and as I have traveled to many places it still holds up as one of my favorites. People might have some misconceptions about California like: everyone is hippies who don't shower, everyone is besties with a celebrity, we all know how to surf, just to name a few. Prideful Californians like me will say to ignore the haters #hatersgonnahate right? But honestly, I know at least in Huntington Beach tourism is a big part of the cities revenue (despite rich people making lump some donations while I'm over here bargain shipping at Walmart). So even when the tourists make out In N Out drive through line even longer than it already is or when people actually drive the speed limit on the freeway we forgive them because we need their money. But also, we want to share the beauties or CA with others. So here a list of some of my top favorites (in no particular order):

1: If you're in for something a little out there and crazy go to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Art Theater in Long Beach. It has a live shadow cast and everything. Tickets with a student ID are 9 bucks while tickets for adults are 11 bucks. Get there at least 1 hour edits midnight. There's a 98% chance there won't be any parking in the lot across from the theater so you must park on the street. Or you will get towed! 

2. Disneyland. I know it's expensive. I know it's cliche but I love it. A park hopper ticket is worth the 160 dollars plus 20 dollar parking. Fast pass as many rides as you can, go in single rider lines wherever there is one, watch world of Color at California adventure park (because it's way better than the fireworks), and feel just like you were when you were 5 when you believed in magic and happily ever afters.
3. Hop on Hop off bus tour and the wax museum in Hollywood. The latter allows you to fan girl (or guy) without actually embarrassing yourself in front of the actual celeb. The former is an amazing steal for the all the things you get to see. It's given in like 10 different languages or something so it's perfect for foreigners too. On the hop on hop off bus you could go to Santa Monica for a day at the beach or at the pier. I'm LA make sure to stop at the Grove and the Farmers Market for good food and shopping. Avoid LA traffic by taking the metro. Also if you're staying outside the metros like you can take metrolink or Amtrak trains into Union station and take the red line to Hollywood and Vine.
4. Crystal Cove, Newport. Beautiful sunset and beautiful smaller beach than HB. Enjoy a drink or dinner at the restaurant there.
5. Harbor House Cafe. Quiet litter ally my favorite restaurant of all time. Located in Sunset Beach and open 24/7 it's a must go. They have a huge menu and amazing decor in the tiny Jose like restaurant. Other food places I love includes: Sugar Shack, Sandy's at the Beach, and Mona Lisa.

There are so many things I could recommend or say, but I hope this gets your wheels turning. So come out to the Golden State and if you're just as crazy as us stay awhile. But the #1 rule of visiting California is never ever ever call it Cali. You heard it here. Catch ya ok the flip side. 

So

So you're dead.
So you're moving out of the house that will forever be in my head,
So I'm going back there with all you,
And all that motherfucking drama too,
So I got accepted now what?
I'm still here in this rut.
Or maybe I'm not; maybe I'm climbing out,
But I'm weighed down by this self doubt.
If you were here you'd tell me I could do it,
If you weren't moving we'd still be apart,
I still need a job,
Acceptance is something,
You try.
Don't you?
So would they love me if they knew sometimes I wanna be a boy?
So can I tell them I want to be called Ky?
Can a start anew in a new school with new people?
So,
Sew,
Sue.
I miss you.
You left me,
And he left me,
And I left,
And I pushed,
And I broke down
But you were there
So,
So I'm just supposed to live on?
Really?
How does that work?
How can I go through my life and all the accomplishments knowing you're so,
So,
So,
SO
Fucking far away!
I don't feel you, I can barely hear you, and I'm afraid.
So here I am
So here I stay
Wondering if you know?
Wondering if we'll ever see each other again?
Wondering if I can ever really let go of the past?
Wondering if love can last?
Wondering if I chose the right path?
Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.
I wish you were
So selfish I know
But you were the only one who really understood.
So.... yeah.

Maybe

Maybe just maybe you scared me,
Maybe the big bang made me think you were hurt.
Maybe my heart skipped a beat,
As  I flew to my feet,
To rush to your side to see a hole in the wall.
Maybe it scared me thinking of what else you might do,
When you know better but you did it anyway.
Would you hurt someone else?
Would you hurt me?
As I hugged you there in the playroom I thought, "I choose this"
And that reminded me of that asshole who is full of maybes.
I sat back down next to you in your room and you started talking to me.
You were stressed I could tell and I was trying to console you.
But maybe you didn't want me to.
Or maybe I said something that you didn't want to hear.
Well the truth isn't always nice.
And you know me well enough to know I'm a truth teller.
I am a human I yelled and I don't always know what to say.
I don't expect you to.
Well I think maybe you kinda do.
Truthfully, I don't know what you want me to say,
What you want me to do,
I'm trying to understand your frustration,
Your worry,
But then your feelings get caught up ij a flurry,
And I,
All I can do is watch.
Watch as you get up angry.
Listen as you yell fuck.
Watch as you look madder and madder at me,
When really you can only be mad at you.
Maybe the truth is it maddens me that I can't be more helpful,
Maybe it hurt my feelings that you made it seem like I'm not capable of writing this paper,
Maybe life is full of maybes and if you let them the maybes will take over.
But we can't let them win,
Baby you can't let the maybes in.
Take one known at a time and travel from stone to stone,
You'll get to the other side slowly but surely,
Surely life is hard, life is tough,
But when things get rough,
Giving up is no maybe,
So don't hold your breath,
You'll scare me to death,
And in death you'll surrender all your maybes to King No
But maybe has the art of being a yes at heart,
Because you can't spell maybes without yes,
And yes it's corny at best but if you believe in you like I do,
All your maybes can become yeses to.

Babies Equal Happiness

What it would be to have a baby,
Not a doll,
Not a friend,
But a baby cut from my own bread,
A baby with my DNA,
My voice in their head,
And who's well being I'd dread,
What I wouldn't give to be a mother,
And make my unborn baby boy a brother,
Two or three times over.
How happy it must feel to wake up every morn,
To see that smiling face that you have born,
Oh, the games I could play,
That could make years feel like just one day,
That can turn unmotivated hours into busy seconds,
How much love I would feel,
For every chubby ounce of my baby would be undeinably real,
What's undeniable now though is the sadness I feel.
My life goes in slow motion.
Life for me doesn't pass like waves of the ocean.
More like quick sand turned into cement,
Stuck!
School is tedious, life is slow,
I'm only getting older, as we all know.
I'm worried, I'm crying,
What little self motivation I had is certainly dying.
I'm stressing, I'm guessing,
That the future's end is closely pressing.
If tomorrow it all ended and my life's light went black,
I'd have lived a not full life and there'd be no going back.
To die not mother would be to die in shame,
That would mean my whole life was in vain!
Is it crazy that I put so much weight,
On the outcome of my procreating fate?
Maybe
Is motherhood easy?
No
Is it rewarding?
Yes.
Opinion or not the fact still lies with how I feel.
My feelings are 100% real!
If I can't be a mom I am nothing.
I am no one and my life has no meaning.
For a person who changes her mind often,
In my 22 years this desire never did soften.
I envy those who already have kids.
Even if they are 19 and unmarried.
I'm aware that when it comes to life results may vary,
But I'm very serious when I say,
I want to be a mom more than anything okay?
Passion doesn't follow logic,
My heart doesn't follow my brain,
And my heart is telling me.
Babies equal happiness!