The Return of You

I pushed you out of my life because you were toxic and now here you are creeping slowly back in. I’m not sure I wished for this. I loved you like I’ve never loved anyone before. Honestly. But you hurt me like no one else ever has. You took from me like no one else ever has. You changed me like no one else did; and I’m still trying to figure out if that was a good thing. I chose you. In that time I wanted to be the victim too, but I chose you. Every single step of the journey. I chose you above me. So much so that I was withering away to nothing. Throwing up my own food, anxious, and nauseous to the point that I even scared myself. Which is pretty hard to do, because when you’re in love you think you’re invincible. We weren’t. We aren’t. Now as I let you back in. Now as you come to me. It feels the same. You were using again. You’re detoxing again. You did so much damage to your own body. I still think you don’t take care of you. I may always love you, but I’m happy I’m not with you. I wouldn’t want to be apart of this mostly downward going spiral. On the other hand, when you talk to me I miss it. I hear myself trying so hard to see you. I feel myself getting worked up. I want to drive up anyway, for I’ll always know where to go. I won’t though because after all these years I’ve done some growing up too. But I do miss your hugs, your silly sense of humor, your cute butt, the way you listen to me, and your hair. I miss rolling around on the floor with you and kissing you. I want to tell you how having sex with you still haunts me. How trapped you made me feel. How stupid you made me feel for being scared and how now (rarely though) I’ve found people who understand. I want to tell you I’m sorry that I blamed it on your previous sex life for that wasn’t the case. It was how you handled me combined with my own insecurities, anxieties, and difficulties in letting go. I want you to see how whole I have become. Really see. Not just in some passing by shit. Though I worry when I see you your charm will get the best of me and I’ll kiss you. As much as my heart flutters when I think of that I know it’s the wrong thing. You coming back into my life, little by little reminds me how lonely you really were. How secluded drugs make people and how you say I never really got to know the real you. If that is true I wish I could. I will do, like I’ve always said, believe in you. With your return comes all my old feelings, the good and the bad. All the old memories, the happy and the sad. I just hope with a stronger, wiser head on my shoulders I can manage my feelings better. Maybe we can actually be friends. Or maybe it’s doomed to fail. But either way I’m always here, and you know where to find me. Come home.

That’s all for now. Until next time catch ya on the flip side.