Feeling You, Like Never Before

I've never felt this way,

Not about a person like you,

I want nothing more than to,

Be beside you,

Hold your hand in mine,

Embrace you in my arms,

And feel your lips on mine,

Take smiling pictures together,

Cuddle together,

Stay up late talking about everything,

And nothing at all,

In times when we have to be apart,

Saying I miss you,

And all that mushy goodness,

That's a fantasy I know,

Nothing's that perfect,

But on seeing you,

I just... knew,

I just fell,

From where I don't know,

I fell hard,

And I know that's foolish,

But it seems to be my thing,

Blindly throwing myself at anyone,

But you aren't just anyone,

You are you and that's enough,

Hell it's more than enough!

What do I like about you?

All of you,

But you're so far away,

Part of me keeps wishing I'll see you soon,

The other part knows it can never be,

Part of me wants you to see this,

And the part worries when you do it will be too much,

It will push it over the edge,

You'll declare me crazy,

And never speak to me again,

But I have to put these feelings somewhere,

If I keep them inside any longer,

I'll explode,

Not literally,

But I just can't keep it inside,

Not anymore,

This opens more doors I can't close,

Asks more questions I can't answer,

But I'd embrace a world of confusion,

Thousands of hating eyes,

Just to have a shot with you,

I'm trying not to let the labels define me,

If I don't try I'll never know,

Right?

So just let me in,

Just let me try,

Please.

That's all for now. Until next time catch you on the flip side.

Falling

I'm falling for you. I feel it in my soul. I don't want it to be this way, because in falling I've found more pain than gain. In listening to my heart I've been broken too many times. Shattered across the floor into little tiny pieces, abandoned, to have to pick up all the pieces by myself. But the other part of me is ready to take that chance. Ready to jump right in, weather I sink or swim. Ready to hold you tight, kiss you in the dark of the night, and call you mine. And mine alone. But I'm afraid you'll uncover something unlikable and flee. Leaving me all alone once more. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe you're really good, in your heart of hearts. But I don't know if I believe anymore, in happily ever after. That good really conquers evil. I think maybe good and bad just live together in a weird constant tug of war. Sometimes bad is stronger and other times it's good, but no one ever pulls too hard and no one ever wins. As for you, I know this much, I think you're cute, I feel safe in your arms, you make me smile, and I think the biggest tell tell sign is that right now I miss you. So, next time I see you we'll just have to see, if us is what's supposed to be. Until then though catch you on the flip side.

Little Girl

I'm a girl on lock down,
Headed for a break down,
Can't even get the low down,
Because she's out,
Out of the loop,
Out of touch,
Too young,
Too old,
Not too bad,
And not good enough,
Sitting alone in her room,
Facing her impending doom,
That she'll never get to grow up,
Because no one will let her,
To always be a caged bird,
And never get the chance to fly,
Because every chance she gets,
Is taken away,
Stolen, smashed, broken, and shattered,
Till nothing remains and everything is tattered,
Until there is no reason to run because she has nothing to fear,
The monster is out there they gear,
However, that's a lie,
A bold faced lie,
The monster is right here inside,
Keeping you "safe" letting you abide,
Hoping you'll be forever by it's side,
What it doesn't know is how mad you are,
How over it you have become,
How honestly you could care less what it thinks,
That with each argument,
Each battle it wins,
Pushes you farther out the door,
It also doesn't know the inner battles you face,
How he left you,
How you feel out of place,
How still you feel like you don't quite fit in,
Anywhere,
Like you're everyone's last choice,
Also, it doesn't REALLY know how much you've changed,
That FREEDOM is something you crave,
That if you NEVER had to come back home,
You probably wouldn't,
You'd get in your car and drive until you were good and lost,
Find a place at a cheap cost,
Call it your own,
Start a new life,
Tell it nothing,
Until you were ready,
And then maybe,
Just maybe,
It would see,
That you are no longer three,
And it would finally have the strength to know,
That it had to let go.

It's Over

Okay, no. It's not okay. I'm a person alright. I deserve better than your wishy washy bullshit. You're either in or out. I guess you've chosen out. I guess you're done. I guess you don't want to take the second chance. I guess you're no longer under my trance. I didn't mean to make you feel trapped. I thought you wanted it too. I thought one day you wanted to say, "I do." I thought you didn't care what they said; what they thought. I thought it only mattered that we knew how we felt about each other. I thought our LOVE would be enough. I thought we could past the test of time. But I guess it was all a lie. I guess this is goodbye. Spread your wings and fly. Fall. Cry. Date her instead of sort of dating me. See if I care. Because you obviously don't. At least not enough to actually say how you really felt to my face. I know you're not perfect, but the boy I fell in love with last spring was way more mature than this. I'm not a piece of glass I could've taken it. But to lay out all my cards, put all my eggs in one basket, for this chance, and then to have it torn down through a third party, WTF! You don't do that. That's soooo Middle School. You are better than that. I know you are. But that's just it. I'm done. I'm done believing in you. I'm done trying. I'm done defending you and justifying when you disappear,  and when you treat me like shit. OKAY! Do you get it? Do you? I'm not just your fall back girl. I'm not just a toy you can play with whenever you feel like it and put away when you don't. So go away! There's the door. GO! If that's what you really want please leave and shut it behind you. Know however when you do leave, you can't come back, at least not for a LONG TIME, if EVER! So choose wisely. Don't expect me to wait either. I just hope you know how it feels to be betrayed and broken like this. I hope you know how much I loved you. I hope you know how utterly disappointed I am in you. But I will not apologize for holding on, for being me, for growing up, for thinking about the past, because I am responsible for my actions. The question is are you? Until next time catch you on the flip side.

Vote

Hey people who read my blog I need you to vote on something for me. Please and thank you. Oh and also thank you for reading my blog. It means the world to me. Hugs and Kisses. http://mylifeundecided.com/2013/05/to-pierce-or-not-to-pierce-that-is-the-question/
Just click in this link and it will bring you to where you have to vote

Friend Zone Queen

This is one of those moments when I know I'm not okay. When all I want to do is cry and scream all at the same time. When I want to reach out to someone but I know they won't understand and I'll just get more upset. Fuck the friend zone! I know it's not me. I believe him, that it's really just him, I do. I also believe that he could really use a good friend right now. The other part of me though is upset. I really do like him. Kissing him felt great and I was actually happy. We had only just met but I thought we were good. I thought we might actually work for a while. Not forever, I don't even have tomorrow planned, but a while. I thought he felt the same way.Was the kissing all lies!!?? I have to say no. In the moment that is what he wanted. What we both wanted. But now he doesn't. He is confused and he doesn't want to drag another girl into the confusion. Understandable. Hurtful? Yes, but understandable. So as we enter this world as two and not one. As friends and nothing more. I sincerely hope we can push through the awkwardness and find the happiness. But for tonight, I will reminisce, feel sad, and miss his kiss. For I have a right to feel this way, but in the end I know everything will be okay. And to all of you who have been put in the friend zone. Hang on. Until next time; catch you on the flip side.

Him

I'll always miss him. I'll always love him. In a crowd of people my eyes will always search for him.  I can't change these things; they are just facts. But what happens when it actually is him? When our paths cross again. What will happen? Will it stop being wierd? Will it go back to the way it was on prom night? Will he hold me tight and whisper in my ear that he loves me? Will he hug me, like he did on that last night, like he was never going to let go? Will he just bring me close and kiss me with those really soft lips of his? Or will it swing the other way? Will he confront me and tell me he's moved on? Will I see him with another girl? Or worst of all will he just ignore me as though he never knew me at all? Like I'm nothing but a memory, the past, a phase, a girl. Does he even think of me anymore? Look at the pictures and have flashbacks of the lives we used to lead? Does he remeber the late nights of texting, the times in the jacuzzi, the parties, the meets, the movies, and best of all just lying in each others arms? I won't lie it wasn't all happy it was sad too. Scary to say the least. Unfair and painful as hell! However, despite all that, all that suffering, we had each other. We really thought that was enough. Is it? I think so. I don't know what he thinks. Not anymore anyway.  But again I have to let him go. Out of my love for him. I have to allow him to push me out, to be the leader of his own life. He always was. I'm not sure how long it will be, until we talk again. That's his call. But I am sure that he wasn't just SOME HIGH SCHOOL BOY!!! He is SO MUCH more than that! And that there is NO ONE in this world I LOVE more than HIM! Until next time catch you on the flip side.

3 word sentences

Sadness overwhelms me. Will it stop? Can happiness exsist? I doubt it. The truest love. It is gone. Everything is breaking. All around me. Me in the middle. Very much stuck. I can't escape. Too many tears. Many broken hearts. Too many boys. Can't stop flirting. Can't stop missing. My first love. I get lost. In their world. It is fine. Until I realize. I'm still alone. Continuing to search. Search for who? Search for me. And my needs. And my wants. Live my life. But right now. There is them. To think about. To worry for. To continually help. They are weak. So am I. But I try. I really do. Still I am. Lost in the shuffle. It is hard. Really really hard. To be me. They don't understand. No one understands. Maybe it's better. To be alone. I don't know. Just don't know. I never do. Life is confusing. My heart aches. My brain hurts. My smile wavering. Apparently depression wins. Until next time.

50 Things

Here are 50 things you may or may not already know about me. Here is the catch though they are all 100% true.
1) I don't like to be picked up. It makes me feel unsafe since I'm out of control of my own body.
2) I don't like broccoli.
3) I'm not allergic to anything. Except when I was younger being exposed to direct sunlight for too long made me feel sick and occasionally get hives (or at least that is what they thought caused it.)
4) I don't like being White. I'd rather be Mexican, Black, Asian, or anything but what I am.
5) I wore braces for one and half years.
6) I love strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting.
7) I'm the Holiday Princess.
8) My favorite color is green.
9) My favorite cereal is Lucky Charms.
10) I'm a Liberal Democrat in a very Conservative Republican county.
11) In my heart, where it counts, I will always be 5 years old.
12) I lived at a Lutheran Bible camp for 6 years of my life. And no I did not live in a cabin.
13) I wish I was bisexual instead of straight.
14) My worst fear is death.
15) I had my first kiss when I was 15.
16) My 16th birthday party was a total surprise. I'm still shocked 2 and a half years later.
17) I'm a slob, my room is a mess as I type this.
18) When i was little I wanted to be a famous actress and part of me always will.
19) I'm supper stubborn.
20) I'd rather help everyone with their problems because A. I just do it out of the kindness of my heart and B. Then, for at least awhile, I can forget my own problems.
21) I currently suffer from Depression, but always forget to take my meds. The truth is, I don't think it's working.
22) I'm a night owl.
23) I don't drink coffee, tea, Coke, Pepsi, or anything diet.
24) My nickname in High School was Kelso after Michael Kelso from That 70's Show.
25) My Grandma Liz is my role model.
26) I've met John Stamos. Yes. He is that handsome in person.
27) I'm a daddy's girl.
28) My favorite day of the week is Saturday.
29) If I could have one wish I would wish for nothing because I don't want to change the past, the present, or the future.
30) I'm not a virgin.
31) I liked Middle School more than High School.
33) Sometimes I have panic attacks, and they scare me more than anyone else.
34) If I had one supper power it would be teleportation. Hands down.
35) I believe we should never go to war.
36) I've kissed 7 boys.
37) I've had 2 boyfriends.
38) My mind never seems to stop thinking about nothing in particular.
39) I follow my heart long before I use my logic.
40) I want to join a sorority, but I think my parents will disapprove.
41) I've been over school since 11th grade.
42) I love going to the movies.
43) I hate when people say " That's so gay."
44) My least favorite word is eventually.
45) I want to have 3 kids.
46) I don't want an engagement ring or a wedding ring.
47) I hated being a Staff In Training and now I'm pretty sure they hated me.
48) I was in the Academy for the Performing Arts for 2.5 years.
49) I was on Huntington Beach High School's Swim Team for 2 years.
50) I believe in karma, omens, signs, and that kind of stuff.
So there you have it 50 things about me. I hope I enlightened you. You know what they say "You learn something new everyday." But take a break from all that learning and just relax. That's what I'll be doing tomorrow. Until next time, catch you on the flip side.

Fake Smile

I searched the hashtag fake smile on Instagram and this is what I found. This is how I feel now and almost every day. Seriously I just want it to end.

I Miss

Missing things that will probably never be. At least not again. Not they way they were. The stars won't align like that again for 100 years. I won't be around that long. If I'm lucky I'll be here 82 more years. And then I'll be missing a lot more than I am now. I know there are people out there who suffer more than I do, need more than I do, and have a way worse life than I do. But either way you look at it. It still hurts. It's still a big deal. To me. I gave him my everything. But out of all the things I gave him, most importantly, I gave him my heart. All of it. Not 1/2 or 3/4. 100%. All of it. And he gave me his all too. We were supposed to get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. "We were just kids" you say. Well it didn't feel like that to us. It felt real. The real deal. It felt that way because it was. We loved each other more than anything in the whole wide world. We were two peas in a pod. Destiny. A match made in heaven. However you put it , we were unstoppable, except we weren't. There was depression, suicide, and then parents. They were big ass road blocks but we were determined to do whatever it took to get around them and continue on the road to happiness. But that and the fact that I was leaving to go to college. Really just forced it to end. But we promised to stay friends. That we would do this cuz we had to not cuz we wanted to and that hopefully are paths would cross again in the future. Cuz no one knows what the future holds. But now I'm back home and we are living two separate lives. I knew it would be this way. I know it's for the better. I know he will always love me. I have another boyfriend whom I love. But he's so far away. I miss him too and the way he didn't give a shit about all my quirks. My feelings are just so complicated. I miss when everything was simple and I was happy. Happiness. Where did you go? Why did you leave? And what can I do to make you come back again? That's all for now until next time catch you in the flip side.

Quotes

" The first time you fall in love,
   Changes your life forever. &
   No matter how hard you try,
   The feeling never goes away."
- Instragram

"It's scary what a smile can hide" - deathanddrowning blog

" Really the only one in the pit is you and the only person that can get you out is yourself." - How I Met Your Mother

"Tell me what's wrong with me." - deathanddrowning blog

"I may smile but that doesn't mean I'm happy" - deathanddrowning blog

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." - deathanddrowning blog

"Everything you're running away from is in your head." - deathanddrowning blog

"Everyone is fighting their own battles, so try not to be a cunt." - deathanddrowning blog

"Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of? Boyfriend material." - Facebook

"A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere till you change it." - love_yourself4ever's Instagram

" A mathematical formula for happiness: Reality divided by Expectations. There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality or lower your expectations" - Jodi Picoult

" A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot, and realize how blessed you are." - anniebanannie42's Instagram

I'd Rather

I'd rather sleep than eat.
I'd rather cry than smile.
I'd rather be in reality than in a dream.
Because if I never wake I have no fear.
Because if I never smile I have nothing to loose.
If I'm silent my words won't be shot down.
And if I never dream I won't be disappointed when they don't come true.
Because happiness is hard and sadness is so easy.
To do nothing all day.
To loose motivation, passion, and desire for all the things you loved.
I'd rather run than stay.
I'd rather hide than be found.
I'd rather give up than continue on.
I'd rather doubt than believe.
Because if I run I would finally be free.
Because if I hide maybe I'll be missed.
If I give up than I won't have to struggle.
And if I doubt everything I'll never be let down.
These feelings consume me:
Hate, greed, and sadness.
Emptiness, longing, and frustration.
I can't control them they control me.
I'm a broken doll who can't be fixed.
I'm a record that can no longer play.
A hollow shell of a girl slowly fading away.
A nothing, a no one a has been.
A purpose without a goal.
A weary sole.
A lost cause.
A nothing, a no one, a has been.
A day without light.
A sky without stars.
A book without words.
A street without cars.
A nothing, a no one, a had been.
Slowly sinking,
Slowly drifting,
Away,
Away,
Far, Far, Away,
From myself,
Loosing it all,
Not caring at all,
Because I'm no one at all,
A nothing, a no one, a has been.
I close my eyes.
Trying to hide the lies.
I breathe.
I wish,
An empty wish,
For happiness.
One I know will never come true.
I open my eyes and see all the lies around me.
And flash backs of past lives flood into my mind.
They would be disgraced with what I've become.
They shaped me.
Some memories I want to shred to bits until they are no more.
Some I want to play over and over again in my mind.
But that's all they are,
Memories.
All of which I will never relive.
The boy,
You saved him.
But who will save you?
Lastly,
In one last breathe,
One last shred of hope I cry,
Sometimes I'd rather die than live.

Alone

Alone. All alone. No one in front of me, beside me, or behind me.  Just me. Me, me. The more I say the word the more confused I get. The harder I think it seems impossible to remember. Who me is, was, or ever wanted to be. That poor little lost girl, what happened to her? I'll tell you what happened. She was loved but then the loving suffocated her. She was pretty but then society told her otherwise. She believed in God but then he let her down. She tried to find someone to love her. She finally found one and he was perfect. Except he wasn't. He was sad so very sad. And he felt alone. So he pushed everyone out and held it in until he couldn't anymore. Then it was like a silent river rushed past. It wiped everything away so quickly that no one had a chance to save anything. All the people lived but they were distraught, lost, and confused. The little girl got lost in the confusion and swallowed whole by their madness. "Save us," they said. They had forgotten she was only a little girl. The little girl tried though. She tried with all her might. Time passed and the girl realized she couldn't save them they had to save themselves. The girl had a one way ticket out of town. As much as she had wanted to leave, to spread her wings and fly, she was scared now. She would have to leave the boy behind, but how could she when she loved him so. The boy understood. He knew she had to go. The girl was alone once more. She entered the new land scared and unwilling. It showed. They did not like the way she beat to her own drum. She toughed it out though like she always has. But somewhere in the middle of it all, in the shuffle of life, the girl got lost again and this time she didn't want to return. She found help. She made a decision and came home. Between falling apart and coming home she met another boy, but that is falling apart too. "Doomed to fail", as he puts it. She dreams not of him, but her first love, and it makes her long for him. She misses him immensely. What can I do though? I can't have him back. My parents frustrate me and I just want to leave. Runway and NEVER come back. Where would I run to though? What good would that do? Because no matter how far I run I will still feel conflicted. I can't run from what's really bothering me, MYSELF. I can't run to someone to fix it, just like I couldn't save them, no one can save me, but me. But I'm worried I'm not strong enough, or motivated enough, or wise enough to do it. So here I sit ,all alone, just wallowing in the madness that is my life. That's all for now until next time catch you on the flip side.

2013

This New Year thing what's all the hype? One minute it's one year and the next it's not and NOTHING has changed except the CALENDAR. All these bottled up feelings and open ends make it nearly impossible to go to sleep. I love this boy, no correction, I'm in love with this boy, Sean is his name, and no one gets it. Not my mom, not my friends, not my family friends, NO ONE! Except me and him. But to be honest who really understands love? It's not my fault I give things my all, my 100%, especially relationships. I want them to work, to last, and like each and every other god damn person on this planet; I want to be wanted. HE wants me, HE makes me smile, HE loves me and visa versa. Yes. He lives in Montana. Yes. I have no idea when I'll see him again. No. This isn't just a fling, a phase, or a fad. He's not just some dumb boy who only wants to get in my pants. He matters. Also, I'm 18. Let me go, let me be free, stop micromanaging every little tiny detail of my life. I'm a big girl now. I have a brain you know? That thinks for itself. That wants to make its own decisions. So let it for heaven sake! Another thing. Everyone always says things will change and this year will be different. I'll loose wait, I'll save money, I'll be nicer, I'll stand up for myself. But the bottom line is people never really change. Not like that. Not at the drop of the hat. People are pretty much hard wired to be exactly the way they are. We can change we are just too lazy and too unwilling. Us Americans want everything to be hand fed to us and then be able to bite the hand whenever we feel like it. If you keep insisting that I really don't know what the hell I'm doing you'll just end up pushing me away. Don't test me. I will run far far away and never come back. Nothing. Not even you can stop me. So please let me spread my wings and learn how to fly. ALL ON MY OWN! That's all for now. Until next time catch you on the flip side.