I'd Rather

I'd rather sleep than eat.
I'd rather cry than smile.
I'd rather be in reality than in a dream.
Because if I never wake I have no fear.
Because if I never smile I have nothing to loose.
If I'm silent my words won't be shot down.
And if I never dream I won't be disappointed when they don't come true.
Because happiness is hard and sadness is so easy.
To do nothing all day.
To loose motivation, passion, and desire for all the things you loved.
I'd rather run than stay.
I'd rather hide than be found.
I'd rather give up than continue on.
I'd rather doubt than believe.
Because if I run I would finally be free.
Because if I hide maybe I'll be missed.
If I give up than I won't have to struggle.
And if I doubt everything I'll never be let down.
These feelings consume me:
Hate, greed, and sadness.
Emptiness, longing, and frustration.
I can't control them they control me.
I'm a broken doll who can't be fixed.
I'm a record that can no longer play.
A hollow shell of a girl slowly fading away.
A nothing, a no one a has been.
A purpose without a goal.
A weary sole.
A lost cause.
A nothing, a no one, a has been.
A day without light.
A sky without stars.
A book without words.
A street without cars.
A nothing, a no one, a had been.
Slowly sinking,
Slowly drifting,
Away,
Away,
Far, Far, Away,
From myself,
Loosing it all,
Not caring at all,
Because I'm no one at all,
A nothing, a no one, a has been.
I close my eyes.
Trying to hide the lies.
I breathe.
I wish,
An empty wish,
For happiness.
One I know will never come true.
I open my eyes and see all the lies around me.
And flash backs of past lives flood into my mind.
They would be disgraced with what I've become.
They shaped me.
Some memories I want to shred to bits until they are no more.
Some I want to play over and over again in my mind.
But that's all they are,
Memories.
All of which I will never relive.
The boy,
You saved him.
But who will save you?
Lastly,
In one last breathe,
One last shred of hope I cry,
Sometimes I'd rather die than live.