50 Things

Here are 50 things you may or may not already know about me. Here is the catch though they are all 100% true.
1) I don't like to be picked up. It makes me feel unsafe since I'm out of control of my own body.
2) I don't like broccoli.
3) I'm not allergic to anything. Except when I was younger being exposed to direct sunlight for too long made me feel sick and occasionally get hives (or at least that is what they thought caused it.)
4) I don't like being White. I'd rather be Mexican, Black, Asian, or anything but what I am.
5) I wore braces for one and half years.
6) I love strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting.
7) I'm the Holiday Princess.
8) My favorite color is green.
9) My favorite cereal is Lucky Charms.
10) I'm a Liberal Democrat in a very Conservative Republican county.
11) In my heart, where it counts, I will always be 5 years old.
12) I lived at a Lutheran Bible camp for 6 years of my life. And no I did not live in a cabin.
13) I wish I was bisexual instead of straight.
14) My worst fear is death.
15) I had my first kiss when I was 15.
16) My 16th birthday party was a total surprise. I'm still shocked 2 and a half years later.
17) I'm a slob, my room is a mess as I type this.
18) When i was little I wanted to be a famous actress and part of me always will.
19) I'm supper stubborn.
20) I'd rather help everyone with their problems because A. I just do it out of the kindness of my heart and B. Then, for at least awhile, I can forget my own problems.
21) I currently suffer from Depression, but always forget to take my meds. The truth is, I don't think it's working.
22) I'm a night owl.
23) I don't drink coffee, tea, Coke, Pepsi, or anything diet.
24) My nickname in High School was Kelso after Michael Kelso from That 70's Show.
25) My Grandma Liz is my role model.
26) I've met John Stamos. Yes. He is that handsome in person.
27) I'm a daddy's girl.
28) My favorite day of the week is Saturday.
29) If I could have one wish I would wish for nothing because I don't want to change the past, the present, or the future.
30) I'm not a virgin.
31) I liked Middle School more than High School.
33) Sometimes I have panic attacks, and they scare me more than anyone else.
34) If I had one supper power it would be teleportation. Hands down.
35) I believe we should never go to war.
36) I've kissed 7 boys.
37) I've had 2 boyfriends.
38) My mind never seems to stop thinking about nothing in particular.
39) I follow my heart long before I use my logic.
40) I want to join a sorority, but I think my parents will disapprove.
41) I've been over school since 11th grade.
42) I love going to the movies.
43) I hate when people say " That's so gay."
44) My least favorite word is eventually.
45) I want to have 3 kids.
46) I don't want an engagement ring or a wedding ring.
47) I hated being a Staff In Training and now I'm pretty sure they hated me.
48) I was in the Academy for the Performing Arts for 2.5 years.
49) I was on Huntington Beach High School's Swim Team for 2 years.
50) I believe in karma, omens, signs, and that kind of stuff.
So there you have it 50 things about me. I hope I enlightened you. You know what they say "You learn something new everyday." But take a break from all that learning and just relax. That's what I'll be doing tomorrow. Until next time, catch you on the flip side.

Fake Smile

I searched the hashtag fake smile on Instagram and this is what I found. This is how I feel now and almost every day. Seriously I just want it to end.

I Miss

Missing things that will probably never be. At least not again. Not they way they were. The stars won't align like that again for 100 years. I won't be around that long. If I'm lucky I'll be here 82 more years. And then I'll be missing a lot more than I am now. I know there are people out there who suffer more than I do, need more than I do, and have a way worse life than I do. But either way you look at it. It still hurts. It's still a big deal. To me. I gave him my everything. But out of all the things I gave him, most importantly, I gave him my heart. All of it. Not 1/2 or 3/4. 100%. All of it. And he gave me his all too. We were supposed to get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. "We were just kids" you say. Well it didn't feel like that to us. It felt real. The real deal. It felt that way because it was. We loved each other more than anything in the whole wide world. We were two peas in a pod. Destiny. A match made in heaven. However you put it , we were unstoppable, except we weren't. There was depression, suicide, and then parents. They were big ass road blocks but we were determined to do whatever it took to get around them and continue on the road to happiness. But that and the fact that I was leaving to go to college. Really just forced it to end. But we promised to stay friends. That we would do this cuz we had to not cuz we wanted to and that hopefully are paths would cross again in the future. Cuz no one knows what the future holds. But now I'm back home and we are living two separate lives. I knew it would be this way. I know it's for the better. I know he will always love me. I have another boyfriend whom I love. But he's so far away. I miss him too and the way he didn't give a shit about all my quirks. My feelings are just so complicated. I miss when everything was simple and I was happy. Happiness. Where did you go? Why did you leave? And what can I do to make you come back again? That's all for now until next time catch you in the flip side.

Quotes

" The first time you fall in love,
   Changes your life forever. &
   No matter how hard you try,
   The feeling never goes away."
- Instragram

"It's scary what a smile can hide" - deathanddrowning blog

" Really the only one in the pit is you and the only person that can get you out is yourself." - How I Met Your Mother

"Tell me what's wrong with me." - deathanddrowning blog

"I may smile but that doesn't mean I'm happy" - deathanddrowning blog

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." - deathanddrowning blog

"Everything you're running away from is in your head." - deathanddrowning blog

"Everyone is fighting their own battles, so try not to be a cunt." - deathanddrowning blog

"Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of? Boyfriend material." - Facebook

"A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere till you change it." - love_yourself4ever's Instagram

" A mathematical formula for happiness: Reality divided by Expectations. There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality or lower your expectations" - Jodi Picoult

" A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot, and realize how blessed you are." - anniebanannie42's Instagram

I'd Rather

I'd rather sleep than eat.
I'd rather cry than smile.
I'd rather be in reality than in a dream.
Because if I never wake I have no fear.
Because if I never smile I have nothing to loose.
If I'm silent my words won't be shot down.
And if I never dream I won't be disappointed when they don't come true.
Because happiness is hard and sadness is so easy.
To do nothing all day.
To loose motivation, passion, and desire for all the things you loved.
I'd rather run than stay.
I'd rather hide than be found.
I'd rather give up than continue on.
I'd rather doubt than believe.
Because if I run I would finally be free.
Because if I hide maybe I'll be missed.
If I give up than I won't have to struggle.
And if I doubt everything I'll never be let down.
These feelings consume me:
Hate, greed, and sadness.
Emptiness, longing, and frustration.
I can't control them they control me.
I'm a broken doll who can't be fixed.
I'm a record that can no longer play.
A hollow shell of a girl slowly fading away.
A nothing, a no one a has been.
A purpose without a goal.
A weary sole.
A lost cause.
A nothing, a no one, a has been.
A day without light.
A sky without stars.
A book without words.
A street without cars.
A nothing, a no one, a had been.
Slowly sinking,
Slowly drifting,
Away,
Away,
Far, Far, Away,
From myself,
Loosing it all,
Not caring at all,
Because I'm no one at all,
A nothing, a no one, a has been.
I close my eyes.
Trying to hide the lies.
I breathe.
I wish,
An empty wish,
For happiness.
One I know will never come true.
I open my eyes and see all the lies around me.
And flash backs of past lives flood into my mind.
They would be disgraced with what I've become.
They shaped me.
Some memories I want to shred to bits until they are no more.
Some I want to play over and over again in my mind.
But that's all they are,
Memories.
All of which I will never relive.
The boy,
You saved him.
But who will save you?
Lastly,
In one last breathe,
One last shred of hope I cry,
Sometimes I'd rather die than live.

Alone

Alone. All alone. No one in front of me, beside me, or behind me.  Just me. Me, me. The more I say the word the more confused I get. The harder I think it seems impossible to remember. Who me is, was, or ever wanted to be. That poor little lost girl, what happened to her? I'll tell you what happened. She was loved but then the loving suffocated her. She was pretty but then society told her otherwise. She believed in God but then he let her down. She tried to find someone to love her. She finally found one and he was perfect. Except he wasn't. He was sad so very sad. And he felt alone. So he pushed everyone out and held it in until he couldn't anymore. Then it was like a silent river rushed past. It wiped everything away so quickly that no one had a chance to save anything. All the people lived but they were distraught, lost, and confused. The little girl got lost in the confusion and swallowed whole by their madness. "Save us," they said. They had forgotten she was only a little girl. The little girl tried though. She tried with all her might. Time passed and the girl realized she couldn't save them they had to save themselves. The girl had a one way ticket out of town. As much as she had wanted to leave, to spread her wings and fly, she was scared now. She would have to leave the boy behind, but how could she when she loved him so. The boy understood. He knew she had to go. The girl was alone once more. She entered the new land scared and unwilling. It showed. They did not like the way she beat to her own drum. She toughed it out though like she always has. But somewhere in the middle of it all, in the shuffle of life, the girl got lost again and this time she didn't want to return. She found help. She made a decision and came home. Between falling apart and coming home she met another boy, but that is falling apart too. "Doomed to fail", as he puts it. She dreams not of him, but her first love, and it makes her long for him. She misses him immensely. What can I do though? I can't have him back. My parents frustrate me and I just want to leave. Runway and NEVER come back. Where would I run to though? What good would that do? Because no matter how far I run I will still feel conflicted. I can't run from what's really bothering me, MYSELF. I can't run to someone to fix it, just like I couldn't save them, no one can save me, but me. But I'm worried I'm not strong enough, or motivated enough, or wise enough to do it. So here I sit ,all alone, just wallowing in the madness that is my life. That's all for now until next time catch you on the flip side.

2013

This New Year thing what's all the hype? One minute it's one year and the next it's not and NOTHING has changed except the CALENDAR. All these bottled up feelings and open ends make it nearly impossible to go to sleep. I love this boy, no correction, I'm in love with this boy, Sean is his name, and no one gets it. Not my mom, not my friends, not my family friends, NO ONE! Except me and him. But to be honest who really understands love? It's not my fault I give things my all, my 100%, especially relationships. I want them to work, to last, and like each and every other god damn person on this planet; I want to be wanted. HE wants me, HE makes me smile, HE loves me and visa versa. Yes. He lives in Montana. Yes. I have no idea when I'll see him again. No. This isn't just a fling, a phase, or a fad. He's not just some dumb boy who only wants to get in my pants. He matters. Also, I'm 18. Let me go, let me be free, stop micromanaging every little tiny detail of my life. I'm a big girl now. I have a brain you know? That thinks for itself. That wants to make its own decisions. So let it for heaven sake! Another thing. Everyone always says things will change and this year will be different. I'll loose wait, I'll save money, I'll be nicer, I'll stand up for myself. But the bottom line is people never really change. Not like that. Not at the drop of the hat. People are pretty much hard wired to be exactly the way they are. We can change we are just too lazy and too unwilling. Us Americans want everything to be hand fed to us and then be able to bite the hand whenever we feel like it. If you keep insisting that I really don't know what the hell I'm doing you'll just end up pushing me away. Don't test me. I will run far far away and never come back. Nothing. Not even you can stop me. So please let me spread my wings and learn how to fly. ALL ON MY OWN! That's all for now. Until next time catch you on the flip side.