Gender Debunked

So BEWARE rant below. I'm stepping on my gender stereotype soapbox because I'm tired of this shit for real it's 2018 for crying out loud!!!

First lets define some terms once and for fucking all:
Sex- the physical/biological reproductive organs, chromosomes, and hormones you were giving at birth. 
Gender- Something you determine on your own. The way you feel about your gender inside your brain, heart, and soul.
Sexual orientation- Who you are attracted to in a physical or romantic way. 

Now that we got those semantics out of the way go to your closet and look at your clothes. What color are they? What are they made of? Do they have cliche sayings on them or generic patterns? Superheros or rock bands?  Are you wearing dresses or pants?

My closet consists of mostly black t shirts and skinny blue jeans. With lots of converse, toms, and my beloved pair of rainbow kicks. I have too many hats to count and hoodies up the wazoo. I have dresses too, but only wear them on special occasions and take them off as soon as I can and put on some pants. 

Because I said I own dresses you're probably assuming my gender is female. Wrong. But honestly my gender is beside the point. What you wear shouldn't dictate what gender you are and what gender you are shouldn't dictate what you wear. Just because you're a boy doesn't mean you can't wear a dress. And just because you're a boy who wears dresses doesn't mean your gay, or trans, or bi either. Do your clothes have labels on them that say girls dress. Is there a law that says only girls can wear dresses? Why don't you go check? I'll wait.... NONE exactly. When my mom was young she wasn't allowed to wear jeans, because her mom wouldn't let her. My grandma said they were for boys. My grandma herself as a school teacher had to wear dresses every work day. In my 23 years of life I don't think I've ever seen her wear a dress. Does wearing pants make a woman less womanly?

It's in our culture. Just walk into Target you'll see from infant clothes all the way to adult clothes they are separated by gender. A baby has no fucking clue what sex they are. And you imposing your gender stereotypes and expectations on them is only hindering them from being their true selves. How can they truly express their gender if you suppress them. Yeah that onesie that says Mommy's little man seems harmless, but you could be completely missgendering your child. Besides is it really that critical that other people know the sex of your baby (because keep in mind you won't know your child's gender until they are older and can decide for themselves) ? Because babies are cute, precious balls of squish. People will compliment you on how cute your baby is regardless of if they know the gender or not. My mom told me when I was young people thought I was a boy and would get so mortified when she told them I was a girl that she started putting a bow on my head so people could tell the difference. You caring about how your babies sex (mistakenly gender) is viewed by others is a reflection on you and your own insecurities or not wanting to fight the status quo. I challenge you to fight norm and battle your insecurities. Say to that woman in the grocery store when they ask if your baby is a boy or a girl, "The sex of my baby is male, but we won't know Toby's gender until he decides for himself." Dress your baby boy in a dress.

At my work some of my co-workers revealed that upon their first impression they thought our manager was a lesbian based on how she dresses. We continued to have a heated discussion on if the clothes you wear matter. One of my co-workers was saying that certain clothes made my manager look like a lesbian and others made her not. 1. Who the fuck cares 2. Clothes are just pieces of fabric sewn together. Yes it is a way to express yourself, but I know for me and my manager both we feel more comfortable in stereotypical guy clothes. But why do girls always have to look pretty? why do they have to look like the object? And what is wrong with a pretty man? 

Honestly, I just want to shop in a store and buy the clothes I want without getting looked at funny. I want girls and boys to stop being pigeon holed into boxes they may not fit in. Today in a child development class I wanted to do an in-class activity on princesses and a girl in my group said no because preschool boys don't like princesses. Bullshit. The characters I loved the most as a kid were Robin Hood and Peter Pan. Tinker Bell, Pocahontas, and Belle. I thought I could sing like Aladdin and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. So don't you fucking tell me that boys don't like princesses. 

If you opened your fucking mind maybe an original thought would come in instead of this cookie cutter, I drank the kool-aid bullshit! Just letting you know I'm not buying it, not even for a second. And I'm here to tell you the world is so much more fluid and diverse than you know, step one inch out of your comfort zone and you will see.

Rant over. Until next time catch ya' on the flip side and remember whatever your gender you are beautiful to me!

Hurt

I shouldn't be, but I am.
How could you pick her instead of me?
Maybe it's just a project to you.
But not to me.
A chance to be friends
Closer, I mean. Is lost.
I think you like her,
But at what cost?
Maybe I shouldn't like you.
Maybe I should just give it up.
It's just my luck,
That you, one of my only school friends
Picks a rando for a group project
Instead of me.
The girl you got drinks with,
The girl you've walked to class with twice a week,
I know it shouldn't matter.
That I shouldn't care.
That I should just be chill,
But my mind is angry,
My heart is hurt
I thought you might be flirting.
I guess not.
I thought there might be a spark.
I guess not.
So you don't like me,
And I have the world's biggest crush on you
FanFUCKINGtastic!
Forever second best
Forever alone.

How Am I Supposed To Feel

How am I supposed to feel when you fuck me?
How am I supposed to feel when you tell me you don't think you're ready?
Will you ever be?
Should I date other people?
But I don't want to.
Because I like you.
Is that so wrong?
You talk to me, call me beautiful, and amazing.
So tell me how am I supposed to feel?
You say I shouldn't apologize for my feelings
But all I want to say is sorry.
Because I'm afraid if I don't apologize you'll find a reason to leave.
I'm not like other girls.
I'm scared that will drive you away.
How am I supposed to feel when I feel like we are so different
Yet similar all at the same time.
I know where you come from.
I'm not judging you on that.
I'm only judging you on the person you are now.
And I don't know how I feel.
You let me sit there when I cried
You wiped away my tears
And yet maybe even still
A connection isn't in the cards
Maybe it's another dead end
That just ends with us as friends.
I hope not.
So it's probably too soon to tell
There is no fast track to love
Even though I wish there were
I jump too fast.
I give too much.
How am I supposed to feel about all the rest?
Like uncertain futures
And nights spent alone
Does it really all fall into place?
I doubt it.
I feel sad, confused
And kinda like I'm not good enough for anyone
Not even you.
I know it's twisted.
I know it's wrong.
But how am I supposed to feel?

2018 is Hell

It's only been 24 days and it's already the worst year yet.
A one night stand on New Years.
Hopeless swiping on dating apps.
The loss of 2 friends.
Starting school just to feel alone even more.
Fabulous.
Work always needs you.
You have your life all planned out,
And all you can do is wait for everyone else to catch up.
It's exhausting!
You're 20 pounds over weight.
You're single.
You can't get a date.
You're dying from the inside out.
No one cares.
No one sees.
You realized you picked the wrong major.
But there is nothing you can do,
If you want to graduate on time anyway.
So you just put your head down and pretend you give a rats ass.
You feel stuck,
You feel sad,
You feel like banging your head against a wall,
So the thoughts stop spinning.
So my head starts bleeding.
So someone sees that inside I'm dying.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm going to die alone.
Ain't no boy or girl gonna love me
For all that I am,
Ain't no one gonna love me the way I love them.
Ain't no one gonna understand,
Ain't no one gonna hold my hand,
And tell me that it's gonna be okay.
It's not okay.
Rain clouds clear.
Depression clouds hover.
Life is this stupid game people force you to play.
You're supposed to be casual,
Go with the flow.
I don't go with the flow,
I don't smoke weed.
I'm here for a longtime AND a good time.
I want to get married at 25.
Time is fucking ticking.
I want to have 3 kids.
I'm not afraid.
I'm ready.
If you don't want a relationship, don't talk to me,
If you can't really truly be my friend, don't talk to me.
You either love all of me or you don't get the chance to love me.
I need someone smart.
I need someone ambitious.
I'm done with the random sex.
I'm done with this casual bullshit.
Be real 100% or just GTFO!
I do not have room for wishy washy people in my life like you.
To 2018, I'm over you already.
You were supposed to be better.
You lied.

Feelings About You

You don't need me,

I need you. 

I want you, 

This much is true. 

I tried.

No that's a lie. 

I didn't try. 

But I fell,

God I fell so hard, 

For you,

Which really I didn't mean to do. 

It was supposed to be Vaibhav not Kunal. 

But either way I can't have it all. 

I can't have my cake and eat it too,

My dreams can't come true,

Because I love you and you'll never love me back. 

I feel like I'm under attack,

I feel like something is wrong,

Like there is no where I belong. 

It's not fair,

It's not fair how much I care.

I want your heart,

But she has it.

I want your time, 

But work has it.

If you really wanted something you would make time,

I guess you don't want me.

I'm not just some dame

Who can be tamed,

To prescribe to your every wish,

But damn how nice it feels when we kiss,

I miss you when we can't be near,

My heart warms when you call me dear,

I call you babe,

I wish it was true.

I wish you were my babe,

My significant other, my boo.

I wish I could say how in love I am with you.

But I can't, cuz you'll leave.

I can't because you speaking the truth will surely break me.

I didn't mean to fall for you.

It wasn't the plan.

But here I am.

Heart open, arms outstretched,

Standing here scared to death,

That without you I'll die alone.

You love her but about me care.

I'm just a filler, and then I turn and suddenly your there.

Wanting me. 

How can this be? 

I'm so confused.

You told me it was lack of time.

But I don't know what to believe.

My heart is telling me to stay,

And my mind is telling me to leave. 

I'm not trying to change you. 

Really I'm not.

I'm just sitting here wishing. 

Wishing that acting like we are together made it real.

But acting isn't real.

So the moral of the story is,

Feelings suck,

I'm not enough,

And you can have it your way but I can't have it my way. 

I'm not sorry,

Because you kissed me.

But I am sorry for caring,

Because apparently you don't need it. 

What It Would've Been Like To Kiss You

Awkward kinda cuz you would've made it so,

Shut it down and said no,

Felt bad for being rude,

To my feelings I would've been true,

But I know it can't go anywhere,

We leave tomorrow,

I just wanted to kiss you because it's Thailand and I could.

It's was easy it was money,

Maybe we would've laughed it off like it was funny,

Questions, answers

Decisions, consequences

Opposites attract

But similarities are necessary.

Could you see it in my face?

Would you of let me?

I'll let it slide,

We leave tomorrow,

But just for now,

In this moment I'll ponder the other option,

Is it better to play it safe or live boldly?

I told you I could be patient.

Maybe you trust me a little.

I want to keep it.

I try to be low key,

Low key is overrated.

I don't regret spending my last night talking to you.

Admirable,

Reserved,

Playful, 

Architect,

Neat,

An ocean a part, a personality away, different in culture, different in all the visible ways. 

Similar in humor, connected by passion, loyal to friends, and killer smiles,

It's the small things,

It only takes one spark to start a fire,

Let the fire run wild,

Hope it never runs out,

But if the road ends here it's alright,

Because I'm grateful to call you my friend even if just for tonight,

The night I'll remember and let my mind wander,

What it would've been like to kiss you I'll ponder,

Never to be known or yet to be discovered,

The world may never know. 

So you wanna come to SoCal

I've lived in Southern California all my life and as I have traveled to many places it still holds up as one of my favorites. People might have some misconceptions about California like: everyone is hippies who don't shower, everyone is besties with a celebrity, we all know how to surf, just to name a few. Prideful Californians like me will say to ignore the haters #hatersgonnahate right? But honestly, I know at least in Huntington Beach tourism is a big part of the cities revenue (despite rich people making lump some donations while I'm over here bargain shipping at Walmart). So even when the tourists make out In N Out drive through line even longer than it already is or when people actually drive the speed limit on the freeway we forgive them because we need their money. But also, we want to share the beauties or CA with others. So here a list of some of my top favorites (in no particular order):

1: If you're in for something a little out there and crazy go to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Art Theater in Long Beach. It has a live shadow cast and everything. Tickets with a student ID are 9 bucks while tickets for adults are 11 bucks. Get there at least 1 hour edits midnight. There's a 98% chance there won't be any parking in the lot across from the theater so you must park on the street. Or you will get towed! 

2. Disneyland. I know it's expensive. I know it's cliche but I love it. A park hopper ticket is worth the 160 dollars plus 20 dollar parking. Fast pass as many rides as you can, go in single rider lines wherever there is one, watch world of Color at California adventure park (because it's way better than the fireworks), and feel just like you were when you were 5 when you believed in magic and happily ever afters.
3. Hop on Hop off bus tour and the wax museum in Hollywood. The latter allows you to fan girl (or guy) without actually embarrassing yourself in front of the actual celeb. The former is an amazing steal for the all the things you get to see. It's given in like 10 different languages or something so it's perfect for foreigners too. On the hop on hop off bus you could go to Santa Monica for a day at the beach or at the pier. I'm LA make sure to stop at the Grove and the Farmers Market for good food and shopping. Avoid LA traffic by taking the metro. Also if you're staying outside the metros like you can take metrolink or Amtrak trains into Union station and take the red line to Hollywood and Vine.
4. Crystal Cove, Newport. Beautiful sunset and beautiful smaller beach than HB. Enjoy a drink or dinner at the restaurant there.
5. Harbor House Cafe. Quiet litter ally my favorite restaurant of all time. Located in Sunset Beach and open 24/7 it's a must go. They have a huge menu and amazing decor in the tiny Jose like restaurant. Other food places I love includes: Sugar Shack, Sandy's at the Beach, and Mona Lisa.

There are so many things I could recommend or say, but I hope this gets your wheels turning. So come out to the Golden State and if you're just as crazy as us stay awhile. But the #1 rule of visiting California is never ever ever call it Cali. You heard it here. Catch ya ok the flip side.