True Friends

True friends never stray,
They always stay,
By your side through the thick in the thin,
They don't let the haters in,
They protect you,
They stick to you like glue,
They dry your tears,
They try to calm your fears,
They make you laugh and smile,
Even if it only lasts a little while,
Friends aren't perfect though, they fight,
They get selfish and shout "I'm right!"
But they apologize,
For their brutal lies,
A true friend loves your each and every quirk,
Understands when you have to work,
Lets you crash at their house when you're drunk,
And help you get out of your funk,
They ask you things no one else would,
In you they find the good,
They try to make you a better you,
They help your wishes come true,
They don't judge,
And out of your heart they would never budge,
They know you need to do what's best,
They know your friendship can past the test,
Of time and space,
And even with a red face,
From all the sadness and tears,
They quickly switch gears,
They help you prepare for your flight,
And convince you that everything is going to be alright,
They let you spread your wings and fly,
And take to the blue sky,
You is someone they will miss,
But you already know this,
You hesitate and say "I don't know?"
They push you off the cliff and shout "GO!"
True friends know that sometimes goodbye is the only way,
But they will always cherish those times of play,
A true friend is all this and so much more,
So what are you waiting for?
Call them and confess without them you'd be nothing,
And you're grateful for all the happiness that they bring,
That they brighten your day,
Wipe away the grey,
That they saved your life,
Even when it was full of strife,
That you will never leave,
And in them you will always believe.

Flaws

The things we can't control shouldn't matter. We shouldn't let them get to us. We should embrace our differences or better yet learn to live with these unchangeable flaws.  But that's just it, in a society that flaunts glamour and perfection, we try to hide our imperfections. Whether that be with makeup, plastic surgery, a fake smile, or maybe by harming ourselves in a bigger way. Like starving ourselves or forcing ourselves to purge. It's not just society though it's friends and family too. They don't get it, how much these flaws hurt you. You already deal with it each and everyday you don't need their teasing added to the mix. No matter how hard you try it's not enough, it's always you. Always your fault, your short fuse. What about them?! They have flaws too and what are they doing to fix them? To change for the better. NOTHING! Dittily squat, jack shit, NOTHING! They think it's you. Your temper, your feelings, your emotions, your DEPRESSION. Well I'm tired of the blame game. I really am. Why can't everyone just be responsible for what they did wrong? I'm especially tired of always having to explain myself or having to defend my decisions. It's MY life! MY heart! MY feelings! NOT YOURS! So please stop trying to rule it or more importantly STOP trying to change it, because I will NEVER BE YOU!!!!!!!! I'm just trying to be ME, whoever that is, so just let me find her. No matter how much time, energy, or falling right on my ass that takes. I DON'T want your help. So stop trying to give it. Please. That's all for now until next time catch you on the flip side.

Pain

My mouth feels as if someone ripped out my teeth and now I'm some sort of old lady who can only eat mushy foods. I guess that is what I get for being so smart. Stupid wisdom teeth. I don't understand why we have wisdom teeth or tonsils if they are just taken out anyway. I mean seriously can't we just evolve already and just not get wisdom teeth or tonsils in the first place. I hope that happens for my kids because I don't want them to go through this. Yes, I want to have kids of my own someday which I hear is really painful as well. But that pain, at least, is worth it; this one is just annoying. It's a nuisance I'm over even though it only happened yesterday. Anaesthesia just down right sucks. It may knock you out but when you wake up from it you are so disorientated. It's actually quite scary. Lastly, I just don't understand why anyone would want to have a job where they have their hands in people's mouths all day. Teeth just aren't that cool. To each their own I guess. That's all for now, until next time catch you on the flip side.

No. A very powerful word. As powerful as it is I don't use it very often. I can't seem to say no to people. I don't want to disappoint them or let them down. I'm sure I already have even though they say I haven't. I let myself down in a way because I lost my dream. I don't know what I want to be anymore. But it's not a teacher, not a Cobber, not a camp counselor, and not depressed. I want to be happy. I am, relatively, I just want to know that the things I do are actually doing something. That the words I write on this blog or in my notebooks will be published someday. Or that the kids I worked with at camp and at church might have actually changed for the better. I'm tempted to just give up. Throw in the towel. Put everything I've ever written in a fire and watch it burn until all that's left is ashes. I'll never be as good as Sarah Dessen, Ann Brashares, Dr. Seuss, or all the other authors I idolize. And honestly who reads books nowadays anyway? Writing is a dying art. So I might as well give up on a dream that will probably never come true anyway. No. I'm not okay. I quit school at Concordia. I miss my friends there, but I'm glad to be here. Except I'm not. The people who used to get on my nerves still do and now I live with my parents. Not exactly an 18 year old girl's dream. I don't seem to belong anywhere. Being here reminds me of the things that no longer exist and being there makes me miss the things that do. The things and people that go on without me. I belong with Sean. But we both need to be where we are for the time being. Which just so happens to be thousands of miles away from each other. So I'll just close my eyes, listen to a sad song, and wish, because what else can I do? That's all for now until next time catch you on the flip side.

Silence

I'm sure you've heard the saying "a picture is worth a thousand words" and even though I believe this, there is a lot you can take from just one picture, I also a believe there is a time not to speak at all. A time just to be silent. Not like pictures talk, but people talk about pictures. People talk about everything. Sometimes I wish they would just let the thing speak for itself. Some things shouldn't be interpreted just experienced. I think people don't experience life they show it off; trying to replicate the reality shows they see on TV or live that perfect fairytale they watched in a Disney movie. They try so hard to be perfect, successful, and beautiful that they forget the point. They forget to live. As much as I like them, life isn't like a movie. Life has dull moments, awesome moments, and just down right confusing moments. Life doesn't always have a happily ever after ending. This sounds cynical, you may think, but I'd say it's just realistic. If you stop trying to live a "picture perfect" life then you might actually start to enjoy the only life you have been given. And if everyone is talking then who the HELL is LISTENING? I don't know about you but when I have something to say I'd like someone to actually hear it, not just sorta hear it, or be half listening like you do in a boring class, but really listening. My boyfriend ,Sean, and I talk on the phone often. We talk for hours on end about everything. I would be lying though if I said that many minutes of those phone calls weren't spent in silence, because they are. It's not a bad silence but a silence none the less. A silence trying to convey love, a thinking silence, or a silence full of deep breathes with the phones tightly clenched to our ears trying to convey that even over the 1,470 miles of mostly empty space between us that we are there for each other, that we care, and that NOTHING could EVER change that. In this time we don't need words because there is just some things words can't say. I would also be lying if I said I didn't talk a lot. Sometimes I have to put my hand over my mouth to physically stop myself from uttering words I will later regret. Sean, on the other hand, uses his words wisely. So I know when he chooses to speak, he really means it, and even if I disagree with what he says I respectfully agree to disagree. So, be still, be quiet, and listen because you might find out some interesting things from the people who could never get a word in edge wise before. That's all for now, until next time catch you on the flip side.

Change

Everything at some point in time seems to change. Seasons change, fashion trends come and go, but most substantially of all people change. We grow older, taller, more mature (well at least some of us do), become smarter, and so much more. We change our minds in ways we never thought we would,  we question everything we used to never doubt, and we understand more when we thought we had reached our limit. Some things however don't change. My room is still the same color it's been since fourth grade, my dog Copper is still an idiot, and my youth group is still just as crazy. They are still way too competitive at things that aren't a competition and they still make everything a dirty joke. Matt still would rather not wear clothes, Brandon still thinks he's the best, Ichiyama still thinks he's smarter than everyone, Peter is still trying to be a hipster, Vicky is still boy crazy, and Katie and Shelby are still best friends. Everyone is still in the same exact place I left them in and that is welcoming. In one sense it is, but in the other it's not. Like, I still belong there but then again I don't. I grew up, I left. Am I still the same person? Hell no! If I'm not who I was then who am I?  Because last time I checked I was still me. Even though I'm not sure exactly who me is anymore or what I'm doing with my life. I have this feeling that soon its going to all blow up in my face. Like life is taking a stab at me that says, "See? I told you so!" Like soon I'm going to find that I don't belong here either and feel lost and alone all over again. Like some part of me is trying to embrace the inevitable change that has occurred while the other part is trying to fit back in to what used to be. Some part of me knows change is good but the other part of be is still scared by the sheer thought of it. I guess what has changed mostly is me and that is a REALLY HARD concept to wrap my head around! That is all for now, until next time catch you on the flip side.

Thank You

How do you thank someone who has given you everything? How do you even come up with the right words? Chances are they don't even know how much they mean to you. That what they did was so monumental in your life. To them it could just be another smile, another opened door, another good deed, but to you it's so much more. It made your day, it made you change for the better, it made you feel welcomed or wanted, or maybe it saved your life. How do you thank someone for that? Repay them for just being the nice person that they are. Then there are those who have loved you practically if not your whole life. Those who were there with you through the terrible twos, to Kindergarden,  to Middle School, and beyond. Were your friends when you had none, when you were too little to understand; that they didn't have to hang out with you. They had friends of their own age, but they made you feel like one of them. It's funny how all you ever wanted when you were little was to grow up and now you wish you hadn't. And then there are those who just entered your life and those who have already left. The tide is always changing and you dislike it, you always have. But how can you make them understand, that what they did changed you, and that they will always have a special place in your heart? Thank you just isn't enough. That's all for now, until next time catch you on the flip side.

Leaving

I feel as if all the days are blurring together. Like I'm on death row and this is my last week of living. Every step I take, everything my blue eyes see, I try to soak in, commit to memory. Two more days, 48 more hours, until I get on a plane and never return. At least not like this, not for school, not with these people. I'm going home. What is a home exactly anyway? It's more than a building where you eat and sleep. It's inhabits more than just your family. I believe it's a place where you feel a sense of belonging. Where you can just be you comfortably without having to worry about anyone judging you. People who love you no matter what you say or do, people you can agree to disagree with. There is not many people like that here. And the ones that I do love, the ones who I'm leaving behind, or maybe they are letting me go, I can't take them with me. They have to live their life and I have to live mine. Death would be easy, but I'm not a quitter, I'm a fighter. You only have one life to live so live it to the ABSOULTE fullest and NEVER give up! Hopefully, I find that place where I belong and maybe somewhere along the journey to this place I'll find who I was meant to be. Until then I'll catch you on the flip side.