What It Would've Been Like To Kiss You

Awkward kinda cuz you would've made it so,

Shut it down and said no,

Felt bad for being rude,

To my feelings I would've been true,

But I know it can't go anywhere,

We leave tomorrow,

I just wanted to kiss you because it's Thailand and I could.

It's was easy it was money,

Maybe we would've laughed it off like it was funny,

Questions, answers

Decisions, consequences

Opposites attract

But similarities are necessary.

Could you see it in my face?

Would you of let me?

I'll let it slide,

We leave tomorrow,

But just for now,

In this moment I'll ponder the other option,

Is it better to play it safe or live boldly?

I told you I could be patient.

Maybe you trust me a little.

I want to keep it.

I try to be low key,

Low key is overrated.

I don't regret spending my last night talking to you.

Admirable,

Reserved,

Playful, 

Architect,

Neat,

An ocean a part, a personality away, different in culture, different in all the visible ways. 

Similar in humor, connected by passion, loyal to friends, and killer smiles,

It's the small things,

It only takes one spark to start a fire,

Let the fire run wild,

Hope it never runs out,

But if the road ends here it's alright,

Because I'm grateful to call you my friend even if just for tonight,

The night I'll remember and let my mind wander,

What it would've been like to kiss you I'll ponder,

Never to be known or yet to be discovered,

The world may never know. 

So you wanna come to SoCal

I've lived in Southern California all my life and as I have traveled to many places it still holds up as one of my favorites. People might have some misconceptions about California like: everyone is hippies who don't shower, everyone is besties with a celebrity, we all know how to surf, just to name a few. Prideful Californians like me will say to ignore the haters #hatersgonnahate right? But honestly, I know at least in Huntington Beach tourism is a big part of the cities revenue (despite rich people making lump some donations while I'm over here bargain shipping at Walmart). So even when the tourists make out In N Out drive through line even longer than it already is or when people actually drive the speed limit on the freeway we forgive them because we need their money. But also, we want to share the beauties or CA with others. So here a list of some of my top favorites (in no particular order):

1: If you're in for something a little out there and crazy go to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Art Theater in Long Beach. It has a live shadow cast and everything. Tickets with a student ID are 9 bucks while tickets for adults are 11 bucks. Get there at least 1 hour edits midnight. There's a 98% chance there won't be any parking in the lot across from the theater so you must park on the street. Or you will get towed! 

2. Disneyland. I know it's expensive. I know it's cliche but I love it. A park hopper ticket is worth the 160 dollars plus 20 dollar parking. Fast pass as many rides as you can, go in single rider lines wherever there is one, watch world of Color at California adventure park (because it's way better than the fireworks), and feel just like you were when you were 5 when you believed in magic and happily ever afters.
3. Hop on Hop off bus tour and the wax museum in Hollywood. The latter allows you to fan girl (or guy) without actually embarrassing yourself in front of the actual celeb. The former is an amazing steal for the all the things you get to see. It's given in like 10 different languages or something so it's perfect for foreigners too. On the hop on hop off bus you could go to Santa Monica for a day at the beach or at the pier. I'm LA make sure to stop at the Grove and the Farmers Market for good food and shopping. Avoid LA traffic by taking the metro. Also if you're staying outside the metros like you can take metrolink or Amtrak trains into Union station and take the red line to Hollywood and Vine.
4. Crystal Cove, Newport. Beautiful sunset and beautiful smaller beach than HB. Enjoy a drink or dinner at the restaurant there.
5. Harbor House Cafe. Quiet litter ally my favorite restaurant of all time. Located in Sunset Beach and open 24/7 it's a must go. They have a huge menu and amazing decor in the tiny Jose like restaurant. Other food places I love includes: Sugar Shack, Sandy's at the Beach, and Mona Lisa.

There are so many things I could recommend or say, but I hope this gets your wheels turning. So come out to the Golden State and if you're just as crazy as us stay awhile. But the #1 rule of visiting California is never ever ever call it Cali. You heard it here. Catch ya ok the flip side. 

So

So you're dead.
So you're moving out of the house that will forever be in my head,
So I'm going back there with all you,
And all that motherfucking drama too,
So I got accepted now what?
I'm still here in this rut.
Or maybe I'm not; maybe I'm climbing out,
But I'm weighed down by this self doubt.
If you were here you'd tell me I could do it,
If you weren't moving we'd still be apart,
I still need a job,
Acceptance is something,
You try.
Don't you?
So would they love me if they knew sometimes I wanna be a boy?
So can I tell them I want to be called Ky?
Can a start anew in a new school with new people?
So,
Sew,
Sue.
I miss you.
You left me,
And he left me,
And I left,
And I pushed,
And I broke down
But you were there
So,
So I'm just supposed to live on?
Really?
How does that work?
How can I go through my life and all the accomplishments knowing you're so,
So,
So,
SO
Fucking far away!
I don't feel you, I can barely hear you, and I'm afraid.
So here I am
So here I stay
Wondering if you know?
Wondering if we'll ever see each other again?
Wondering if I can ever really let go of the past?
Wondering if love can last?
Wondering if I chose the right path?
Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.
I wish you were
So selfish I know
But you were the only one who really understood.
So.... yeah.

Maybe

Maybe just maybe you scared me,
Maybe the big bang made me think you were hurt.
Maybe my heart skipped a beat,
As  I flew to my feet,
To rush to your side to see a hole in the wall.
Maybe it scared me thinking of what else you might do,
When you know better but you did it anyway.
Would you hurt someone else?
Would you hurt me?
As I hugged you there in the playroom I thought, "I choose this"
And that reminded me of that asshole who is full of maybes.
I sat back down next to you in your room and you started talking to me.
You were stressed I could tell and I was trying to console you.
But maybe you didn't want me to.
Or maybe I said something that you didn't want to hear.
Well the truth isn't always nice.
And you know me well enough to know I'm a truth teller.
I am a human I yelled and I don't always know what to say.
I don't expect you to.
Well I think maybe you kinda do.
Truthfully, I don't know what you want me to say,
What you want me to do,
I'm trying to understand your frustration,
Your worry,
But then your feelings get caught up ij a flurry,
And I,
All I can do is watch.
Watch as you get up angry.
Listen as you yell fuck.
Watch as you look madder and madder at me,
When really you can only be mad at you.
Maybe the truth is it maddens me that I can't be more helpful,
Maybe it hurt my feelings that you made it seem like I'm not capable of writing this paper,
Maybe life is full of maybes and if you let them the maybes will take over.
But we can't let them win,
Baby you can't let the maybes in.
Take one known at a time and travel from stone to stone,
You'll get to the other side slowly but surely,
Surely life is hard, life is tough,
But when things get rough,
Giving up is no maybe,
So don't hold your breath,
You'll scare me to death,
And in death you'll surrender all your maybes to King No
But maybe has the art of being a yes at heart,
Because you can't spell maybes without yes,
And yes it's corny at best but if you believe in you like I do,
All your maybes can become yeses to.

Babies Equal Happiness

What it would be to have a baby,
Not a doll,
Not a friend,
But a baby cut from my own bread,
A baby with my DNA,
My voice in their head,
And who's well being I'd dread,
What I wouldn't give to be a mother,
And make my unborn baby boy a brother,
Two or three times over.
How happy it must feel to wake up every morn,
To see that smiling face that you have born,
Oh, the games I could play,
That could make years feel like just one day,
That can turn unmotivated hours into busy seconds,
How much love I would feel,
For every chubby ounce of my baby would be undeinably real,
What's undeniable now though is the sadness I feel.
My life goes in slow motion.
Life for me doesn't pass like waves of the ocean.
More like quick sand turned into cement,
Stuck!
School is tedious, life is slow,
I'm only getting older, as we all know.
I'm worried, I'm crying,
What little self motivation I had is certainly dying.
I'm stressing, I'm guessing,
That the future's end is closely pressing.
If tomorrow it all ended and my life's light went black,
I'd have lived a not full life and there'd be no going back.
To die not mother would be to die in shame,
That would mean my whole life was in vain!
Is it crazy that I put so much weight,
On the outcome of my procreating fate?
Maybe
Is motherhood easy?
No
Is it rewarding?
Yes.
Opinion or not the fact still lies with how I feel.
My feelings are 100% real!
If I can't be a mom I am nothing.
I am no one and my life has no meaning.
For a person who changes her mind often,
In my 22 years this desire never did soften.
I envy those who already have kids.
Even if they are 19 and unmarried.
I'm aware that when it comes to life results may vary,
But I'm very serious when I say,
I want to be a mom more than anything okay?
Passion doesn't follow logic,
My heart doesn't follow my brain,
And my heart is telling me.
Babies equal happiness!

Where You Are

I'd be lying if I said I don't think of you,
Where you are and what you do,
You're probably gettin' high safely in the walls of your bedroom,
And working for your dad at the carnival I would assume,
Dating some tweeker, heroin addict, or stoner chick who has more enemies than friends,
You're lettin' your mom raise your son no doubt,
And not fighting to change anything with the baby mama,
Because if it ain't broke don't fix it right?
You're such a Libra.
A pacifist who knows he's shit but blames everyone else,
You're lying about everything to everyone,
Your grandpa would be ashamed,
Heroin is going to take you to your grave,
Or at the very least to prison,
Your mind is stuck in that of a 12 year old,
With the body of an almost 22 year old,
Which clashes just as much as your words do with your actions.
You have no friends, I bet.
In your ways you are set.
You are isolated and depressed,
And undoubtedly stressed,
Since everyday you dig yourself into a deeper hole,
The cycle continues,
Crave, lie, scramble, and then use.
And the golden rule USE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY applies always.
By working your ass off, or mooching off people, or selling every GOD DAMN thing you own!
I know the drug is superior in your brain and has planted a world domination of sorts in your mind.
You can't see anything else.
Is there a good person beneath all the yuck.
I believe there is and you'll find him if you have luck.
Not just luck though but hard work too,
Because the only person that can save you from your addiction is YOU!
Will you do it? Your life will you save?
Is it possible? No, cuz you gotta be brave.
And you, sir who wishes you were madam, are a coward and have been since birth to you was gave,
Do you belong in my thoughts?
I know you don't.
But yet I still think of you and all the shit you put me through.
But the truth is I don't want to know where you are.
I don't want to see your blue Honda Accord on the road.
I don't want to think about you when I see minions or hawaiian things,
Or when I hear "Hey There Delilah" and think of the memories it brings.
Where are you? I can guess, but truthfully I don't care.
And if you want to come where I am you better not dare.
Stay where you are.
High.

Here

Hey, so I'm well aware I haven't been posting as much as I said I would. But life happens. Am I right?

So here's for the excuses:

1. School is getting to that point where shit's gettin' real and you're like, "Damn! I actually have to do and be on top of my work!!!" Even after 17 years of school I'm still a procrastinator. You know what they say, "Old habits die hard."
2. Job hunting is tedious and nerve racking. 
3. My boyfriend. I'd be lying if I said that he doesn't take up a big chunk of my time. Don't get me wrong it's not a bad thing. It's great. I absolutely love spending time with him. (Future blog post coming about happiness related to this.)
4. The Blogger iPhone app keeps malfunctioning. Every time I open it and start writing it just closes itself!!! Completely boggling and beyond frustrating. I might have to call someone about this.
5. I've been traveling. I was out of town the last two weekends in a row.
6. I'm not sure if I've quite figured out how I want to say what I want to say in the next few blog posts. Motivating to write on a day to day basis for personal enrichment proves to be harder than I thought it would be. Suggestions?

Enough for the excuses here's a quick update.

I applied to 3 California State Universities in Southern California and applied for the next semester at community college. Don't know which school I'm going to next fall or what classes I'm taking in the spring. Everything is up in the air and I'm kinda freaking out about it.

My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 3 month anniversary.

I'm so broke, but what college student isn't?

It's October the month of Halloween (my 2nd favorite holiday) so I'm stoked!

That's all for now. Good night peeps. Until next time. Catch you on the flip side.