I pushed you out of my life because you were toxic and now here you are creeping slowly back in. I’m not sure I wished for this. I loved you like I’ve never loved anyone before. Honestly. But you hurt me like no one else ever has. You took from me like no one else ever has. You changed me like no one else did; and I’m still trying to figure out if that was a good thing. I chose you. In that time I wanted to be the victim too, but I chose you. Every single step of the journey. I chose you above me. So much so that I was withering away to nothing. Throwing up my own food, anxious, and nauseous to the point that I even scared myself. Which is pretty hard to do, because when you’re in love you think you’re invincible. We weren’t. We aren’t. Now as I let you back in. Now as you come to me. It feels the same. You were using again. You’re detoxing again. You did so much damage to your own body. I still think you don’t take care of you. I may always love you, but I’m happy I’m not with you. I wouldn’t want to be apart of this mostly downward going spiral. On the other hand, when you talk to me I miss it. I hear myself trying so hard to see you. I feel myself getting worked up. I want to drive up anyway, for I’ll always know where to go. I won’t though because after all these years I’ve done some growing up too. But I do miss your hugs, your silly sense of humor, your cute butt, the way you listen to me, and your hair. I miss rolling around on the floor with you and kissing you. I want to tell you how having sex with you still haunts me. How trapped you made me feel. How stupid you made me feel for being scared and how now (rarely though) I’ve found people who understand. I want to tell you I’m sorry that I blamed it on your previous sex life for that wasn’t the case. It was how you handled me combined with my own insecurities, anxieties, and difficulties in letting go. I want you to see how whole I have become. Really see. Not just in some passing by shit. Though I worry when I see you your charm will get the best of me and I’ll kiss you. As much as my heart flutters when I think of that I know it’s the wrong thing. You coming back into my life, little by little reminds me how lonely you really were. How secluded drugs make people and how you say I never really got to know the real you. If that is true I wish I could. I will do, like I’ve always said, believe in you. With your return comes all my old feelings, the good and the bad. All the old memories, the happy and the sad. I just hope with a stronger, wiser head on my shoulders I can manage my feelings better. Maybe we can actually be friends. Or maybe it’s doomed to fail. But either way I’m always here, and you know where to find me. Come home.
That’s all for now. Until next time catch ya on the flip side.
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Monday, February 26, 2018
Gender Debunked
So BEWARE rant below. I'm stepping on my gender stereotype soapbox because I'm tired of this shit for real it's 2018 for crying out loud!!!
First lets define some terms once and for fucking all:
Sex- the physical/biological reproductive organs, chromosomes, and hormones you were giving at birth.
Gender- Something you determine on your own. The way you feel about your gender inside your brain, heart, and soul.
Sexual orientation- Who you are attracted to in a physical or romantic way.
Now that we got those semantics out of the way go to your closet and look at your clothes. What color are they? What are they made of? Do they have cliche sayings on them or generic patterns? Superheros or rock bands? Are you wearing dresses or pants?
My closet consists of mostly black t shirts and skinny blue jeans. With lots of converse, toms, and my beloved pair of rainbow kicks. I have too many hats to count and hoodies up the wazoo. I have dresses too, but only wear them on special occasions and take them off as soon as I can and put on some pants.
Because I said I own dresses you're probably assuming my gender is female. Wrong. But honestly my gender is beside the point. What you wear shouldn't dictate what gender you are and what gender you are shouldn't dictate what you wear. Just because you're a boy doesn't mean you can't wear a dress. And just because you're a boy who wears dresses doesn't mean your gay, or trans, or bi either. Do your clothes have labels on them that say girls dress. Is there a law that says only girls can wear dresses? Why don't you go check? I'll wait.... NONE exactly. When my mom was young she wasn't allowed to wear jeans, because her mom wouldn't let her. My grandma said they were for boys. My grandma herself as a school teacher had to wear dresses every work day. In my 23 years of life I don't think I've ever seen her wear a dress. Does wearing pants make a woman less womanly?
It's in our culture. Just walk into Target you'll see from infant clothes all the way to adult clothes they are separated by gender. A baby has no fucking clue what sex they are. And you imposing your gender stereotypes and expectations on them is only hindering them from being their true selves. How can they truly express their gender if you suppress them. Yeah that onesie that says Mommy's little man seems harmless, but you could be completely missgendering your child. Besides is it really that critical that other people know the sex of your baby (because keep in mind you won't know your child's gender until they are older and can decide for themselves) ? Because babies are cute, precious balls of squish. People will compliment you on how cute your baby is regardless of if they know the gender or not. My mom told me when I was young people thought I was a boy and would get so mortified when she told them I was a girl that she started putting a bow on my head so people could tell the difference. You caring about how your babies sex (mistakenly gender) is viewed by others is a reflection on you and your own insecurities or not wanting to fight the status quo. I challenge you to fight norm and battle your insecurities. Say to that woman in the grocery store when they ask if your baby is a boy or a girl, "The sex of my baby is male, but we won't know Toby's gender until he decides for himself." Dress your baby boy in a dress.
At my work some of my co-workers revealed that upon their first impression they thought our manager was a lesbian based on how she dresses. We continued to have a heated discussion on if the clothes you wear matter. One of my co-workers was saying that certain clothes made my manager look like a lesbian and others made her not. 1. Who the fuck cares 2. Clothes are just pieces of fabric sewn together. Yes it is a way to express yourself, but I know for me and my manager both we feel more comfortable in stereotypical guy clothes. But why do girls always have to look pretty? why do they have to look like the object? And what is wrong with a pretty man?
Honestly, I just want to shop in a store and buy the clothes I want without getting looked at funny. I want girls and boys to stop being pigeon holed into boxes they may not fit in. Today in a child development class I wanted to do an in-class activity on princesses and a girl in my group said no because preschool boys don't like princesses. Bullshit. The characters I loved the most as a kid were Robin Hood and Peter Pan. Tinker Bell, Pocahontas, and Belle. I thought I could sing like Aladdin and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. So don't you fucking tell me that boys don't like princesses.
If you opened your fucking mind maybe an original thought would come in instead of this cookie cutter, I drank the kool-aid bullshit! Just letting you know I'm not buying it, not even for a second. And I'm here to tell you the world is so much more fluid and diverse than you know, step one inch out of your comfort zone and you will see.
Rant over. Until next time catch ya' on the flip side and remember whatever your gender you are beautiful to me!
First lets define some terms once and for fucking all:
Sex- the physical/biological reproductive organs, chromosomes, and hormones you were giving at birth.
Gender- Something you determine on your own. The way you feel about your gender inside your brain, heart, and soul.
Sexual orientation- Who you are attracted to in a physical or romantic way.
Now that we got those semantics out of the way go to your closet and look at your clothes. What color are they? What are they made of? Do they have cliche sayings on them or generic patterns? Superheros or rock bands? Are you wearing dresses or pants?
My closet consists of mostly black t shirts and skinny blue jeans. With lots of converse, toms, and my beloved pair of rainbow kicks. I have too many hats to count and hoodies up the wazoo. I have dresses too, but only wear them on special occasions and take them off as soon as I can and put on some pants.
Because I said I own dresses you're probably assuming my gender is female. Wrong. But honestly my gender is beside the point. What you wear shouldn't dictate what gender you are and what gender you are shouldn't dictate what you wear. Just because you're a boy doesn't mean you can't wear a dress. And just because you're a boy who wears dresses doesn't mean your gay, or trans, or bi either. Do your clothes have labels on them that say girls dress. Is there a law that says only girls can wear dresses? Why don't you go check? I'll wait.... NONE exactly. When my mom was young she wasn't allowed to wear jeans, because her mom wouldn't let her. My grandma said they were for boys. My grandma herself as a school teacher had to wear dresses every work day. In my 23 years of life I don't think I've ever seen her wear a dress. Does wearing pants make a woman less womanly?
It's in our culture. Just walk into Target you'll see from infant clothes all the way to adult clothes they are separated by gender. A baby has no fucking clue what sex they are. And you imposing your gender stereotypes and expectations on them is only hindering them from being their true selves. How can they truly express their gender if you suppress them. Yeah that onesie that says Mommy's little man seems harmless, but you could be completely missgendering your child. Besides is it really that critical that other people know the sex of your baby (because keep in mind you won't know your child's gender until they are older and can decide for themselves) ? Because babies are cute, precious balls of squish. People will compliment you on how cute your baby is regardless of if they know the gender or not. My mom told me when I was young people thought I was a boy and would get so mortified when she told them I was a girl that she started putting a bow on my head so people could tell the difference. You caring about how your babies sex (mistakenly gender) is viewed by others is a reflection on you and your own insecurities or not wanting to fight the status quo. I challenge you to fight norm and battle your insecurities. Say to that woman in the grocery store when they ask if your baby is a boy or a girl, "The sex of my baby is male, but we won't know Toby's gender until he decides for himself." Dress your baby boy in a dress.
At my work some of my co-workers revealed that upon their first impression they thought our manager was a lesbian based on how she dresses. We continued to have a heated discussion on if the clothes you wear matter. One of my co-workers was saying that certain clothes made my manager look like a lesbian and others made her not. 1. Who the fuck cares 2. Clothes are just pieces of fabric sewn together. Yes it is a way to express yourself, but I know for me and my manager both we feel more comfortable in stereotypical guy clothes. But why do girls always have to look pretty? why do they have to look like the object? And what is wrong with a pretty man?
Honestly, I just want to shop in a store and buy the clothes I want without getting looked at funny. I want girls and boys to stop being pigeon holed into boxes they may not fit in. Today in a child development class I wanted to do an in-class activity on princesses and a girl in my group said no because preschool boys don't like princesses. Bullshit. The characters I loved the most as a kid were Robin Hood and Peter Pan. Tinker Bell, Pocahontas, and Belle. I thought I could sing like Aladdin and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. So don't you fucking tell me that boys don't like princesses.
If you opened your fucking mind maybe an original thought would come in instead of this cookie cutter, I drank the kool-aid bullshit! Just letting you know I'm not buying it, not even for a second. And I'm here to tell you the world is so much more fluid and diverse than you know, step one inch out of your comfort zone and you will see.
Rant over. Until next time catch ya' on the flip side and remember whatever your gender you are beautiful to me!
Monday, February 12, 2018
Hurt
I shouldn't be, but I am.
How could you pick her instead of me?
Maybe it's just a project to you.
But not to me.
A chance to be friends
Closer, I mean. Is lost.
I think you like her,
But at what cost?
Maybe I shouldn't like you.
Maybe I should just give it up.
It's just my luck,
That you, one of my only school friends
Picks a rando for a group project
Instead of me.
The girl you got drinks with,
The girl you've walked to class with twice a week,
I know it shouldn't matter.
That I shouldn't care.
That I should just be chill,
But my mind is angry,
My heart is hurt
I thought you might be flirting.
I guess not.
I thought there might be a spark.
I guess not.
So you don't like me,
And I have the world's biggest crush on you
FanFUCKINGtastic!
Forever second best
Forever alone.
How could you pick her instead of me?
Maybe it's just a project to you.
But not to me.
A chance to be friends
Closer, I mean. Is lost.
I think you like her,
But at what cost?
Maybe I shouldn't like you.
Maybe I should just give it up.
It's just my luck,
That you, one of my only school friends
Picks a rando for a group project
Instead of me.
The girl you got drinks with,
The girl you've walked to class with twice a week,
I know it shouldn't matter.
That I shouldn't care.
That I should just be chill,
But my mind is angry,
My heart is hurt
I thought you might be flirting.
I guess not.
I thought there might be a spark.
I guess not.
So you don't like me,
And I have the world's biggest crush on you
FanFUCKINGtastic!
Forever second best
Forever alone.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
How Am I Supposed To Feel
How am I supposed to feel when you fuck me?
How am I supposed to feel when you tell me you don't think you're ready?
Will you ever be?
Should I date other people?
But I don't want to.
Because I like you.
Is that so wrong?
You talk to me, call me beautiful, and amazing.
So tell me how am I supposed to feel?
You say I shouldn't apologize for my feelings
But all I want to say is sorry.
Because I'm afraid if I don't apologize you'll find a reason to leave.
I'm not like other girls.
I'm scared that will drive you away.
How am I supposed to feel when I feel like we are so different
Yet similar all at the same time.
I know where you come from.
I'm not judging you on that.
I'm only judging you on the person you are now.
And I don't know how I feel.
You let me sit there when I cried
You wiped away my tears
And yet maybe even still
A connection isn't in the cards
Maybe it's another dead end
That just ends with us as friends.
I hope not.
So it's probably too soon to tell
There is no fast track to love
Even though I wish there were
I jump too fast.
I give too much.
How am I supposed to feel about all the rest?
Like uncertain futures
And nights spent alone
Does it really all fall into place?
I doubt it.
I feel sad, confused
And kinda like I'm not good enough for anyone
Not even you.
I know it's twisted.
I know it's wrong.
But how am I supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to feel when you tell me you don't think you're ready?
Will you ever be?
Should I date other people?
But I don't want to.
Because I like you.
Is that so wrong?
You talk to me, call me beautiful, and amazing.
So tell me how am I supposed to feel?
You say I shouldn't apologize for my feelings
But all I want to say is sorry.
Because I'm afraid if I don't apologize you'll find a reason to leave.
I'm not like other girls.
I'm scared that will drive you away.
How am I supposed to feel when I feel like we are so different
Yet similar all at the same time.
I know where you come from.
I'm not judging you on that.
I'm only judging you on the person you are now.
And I don't know how I feel.
You let me sit there when I cried
You wiped away my tears
And yet maybe even still
A connection isn't in the cards
Maybe it's another dead end
That just ends with us as friends.
I hope not.
So it's probably too soon to tell
There is no fast track to love
Even though I wish there were
I jump too fast.
I give too much.
How am I supposed to feel about all the rest?
Like uncertain futures
And nights spent alone
Does it really all fall into place?
I doubt it.
I feel sad, confused
And kinda like I'm not good enough for anyone
Not even you.
I know it's twisted.
I know it's wrong.
But how am I supposed to feel?
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
2018 is Hell
It's only been 24 days and it's already the worst year yet.
A one night stand on New Years.
Hopeless swiping on dating apps.
The loss of 2 friends.
Starting school just to feel alone even more.
Fabulous.
Work always needs you.
You have your life all planned out,
And all you can do is wait for everyone else to catch up.
It's exhausting!
You're 20 pounds over weight.
You're single.
You can't get a date.
You're dying from the inside out.
No one cares.
No one sees.
You realized you picked the wrong major.
But there is nothing you can do,
If you want to graduate on time anyway.
So you just put your head down and pretend you give a rats ass.
You feel stuck,
You feel sad,
You feel like banging your head against a wall,
So the thoughts stop spinning.
So my head starts bleeding.
So someone sees that inside I'm dying.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm going to die alone.
Ain't no boy or girl gonna love me
For all that I am,
Ain't no one gonna love me the way I love them.
Ain't no one gonna understand,
Ain't no one gonna hold my hand,
And tell me that it's gonna be okay.
It's not okay.
Rain clouds clear.
Depression clouds hover.
Life is this stupid game people force you to play.
You're supposed to be casual,
Go with the flow.
I don't go with the flow,
I don't smoke weed.
I'm here for a longtime AND a good time.
I want to get married at 25.
Time is fucking ticking.
I want to have 3 kids.
I'm not afraid.
I'm ready.
If you don't want a relationship, don't talk to me,
If you can't really truly be my friend, don't talk to me.
You either love all of me or you don't get the chance to love me.
I need someone smart.
I need someone ambitious.
I'm done with the random sex.
I'm done with this casual bullshit.
Be real 100% or just GTFO!
I do not have room for wishy washy people in my life like you.
To 2018, I'm over you already.
You were supposed to be better.
You lied.
A one night stand on New Years.
Hopeless swiping on dating apps.
The loss of 2 friends.
Starting school just to feel alone even more.
Fabulous.
Work always needs you.
You have your life all planned out,
And all you can do is wait for everyone else to catch up.
It's exhausting!
You're 20 pounds over weight.
You're single.
You can't get a date.
You're dying from the inside out.
No one cares.
No one sees.
You realized you picked the wrong major.
But there is nothing you can do,
If you want to graduate on time anyway.
So you just put your head down and pretend you give a rats ass.
You feel stuck,
You feel sad,
You feel like banging your head against a wall,
So the thoughts stop spinning.
So my head starts bleeding.
So someone sees that inside I'm dying.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm going to die alone.
Ain't no boy or girl gonna love me
For all that I am,
Ain't no one gonna love me the way I love them.
Ain't no one gonna understand,
Ain't no one gonna hold my hand,
And tell me that it's gonna be okay.
It's not okay.
Rain clouds clear.
Depression clouds hover.
Life is this stupid game people force you to play.
You're supposed to be casual,
Go with the flow.
I don't go with the flow,
I don't smoke weed.
I'm here for a longtime AND a good time.
I want to get married at 25.
Time is fucking ticking.
I want to have 3 kids.
I'm not afraid.
I'm ready.
If you don't want a relationship, don't talk to me,
If you can't really truly be my friend, don't talk to me.
You either love all of me or you don't get the chance to love me.
I need someone smart.
I need someone ambitious.
I'm done with the random sex.
I'm done with this casual bullshit.
Be real 100% or just GTFO!
I do not have room for wishy washy people in my life like you.
To 2018, I'm over you already.
You were supposed to be better.
You lied.
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