Feelings About You

You don't need me,

I need you. 

I want you, 

This much is true. 

I tried.

No that's a lie. 

I didn't try. 

But I fell,

God I fell so hard, 

For you,

Which really I didn't mean to do. 

It was supposed to be Vaibhav not Kunal. 

But either way I can't have it all. 

I can't have my cake and eat it too,

My dreams can't come true,

Because I love you and you'll never love me back. 

I feel like I'm under attack,

I feel like something is wrong,

Like there is no where I belong. 

It's not fair,

It's not fair how much I care.

I want your heart,

But she has it.

I want your time, 

But work has it.

If you really wanted something you would make time,

I guess you don't want me.

I'm not just some dame

Who can be tamed,

To prescribe to your every wish,

But damn how nice it feels when we kiss,

I miss you when we can't be near,

My heart warms when you call me dear,

I call you babe,

I wish it was true.

I wish you were my babe,

My significant other, my boo.

I wish I could say how in love I am with you.

But I can't, cuz you'll leave.

I can't because you speaking the truth will surely break me.

I didn't mean to fall for you.

It wasn't the plan.

But here I am.

Heart open, arms outstretched,

Standing here scared to death,

That without you I'll die alone.

You love her but about me care.

I'm just a filler, and then I turn and suddenly your there.

Wanting me. 

How can this be? 

I'm so confused.

You told me it was lack of time.

But I don't know what to believe.

My heart is telling me to stay,

And my mind is telling me to leave. 

I'm not trying to change you. 

Really I'm not.

I'm just sitting here wishing. 

Wishing that acting like we are together made it real.

But acting isn't real.

So the moral of the story is,

Feelings suck,

I'm not enough,

And you can have it your way but I can't have it my way. 

I'm not sorry,

Because you kissed me.

But I am sorry for caring,

Because apparently you don't need it. 

What It Would've Been Like To Kiss You

Awkward kinda cuz you would've made it so,

Shut it down and said no,

Felt bad for being rude,

To my feelings I would've been true,

But I know it can't go anywhere,

We leave tomorrow,

I just wanted to kiss you because it's Thailand and I could.

It's was easy it was money,

Maybe we would've laughed it off like it was funny,

Questions, answers

Decisions, consequences

Opposites attract

But similarities are necessary.

Could you see it in my face?

Would you of let me?

I'll let it slide,

We leave tomorrow,

But just for now,

In this moment I'll ponder the other option,

Is it better to play it safe or live boldly?

I told you I could be patient.

Maybe you trust me a little.

I want to keep it.

I try to be low key,

Low key is overrated.

I don't regret spending my last night talking to you.

Admirable,

Reserved,

Playful, 

Architect,

Neat,

An ocean a part, a personality away, different in culture, different in all the visible ways. 

Similar in humor, connected by passion, loyal to friends, and killer smiles,

It's the small things,

It only takes one spark to start a fire,

Let the fire run wild,

Hope it never runs out,

But if the road ends here it's alright,

Because I'm grateful to call you my friend even if just for tonight,

The night I'll remember and let my mind wander,

What it would've been like to kiss you I'll ponder,

Never to be known or yet to be discovered,

The world may never know. 

So you wanna come to SoCal

I've lived in Southern California all my life and as I have traveled to many places it still holds up as one of my favorites. People might have some misconceptions about California like: everyone is hippies who don't shower, everyone is besties with a celebrity, we all know how to surf, just to name a few. Prideful Californians like me will say to ignore the haters #hatersgonnahate right? But honestly, I know at least in Huntington Beach tourism is a big part of the cities revenue (despite rich people making lump some donations while I'm over here bargain shipping at Walmart). So even when the tourists make out In N Out drive through line even longer than it already is or when people actually drive the speed limit on the freeway we forgive them because we need their money. But also, we want to share the beauties or CA with others. So here a list of some of my top favorites (in no particular order):

1: If you're in for something a little out there and crazy go to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Art Theater in Long Beach. It has a live shadow cast and everything. Tickets with a student ID are 9 bucks while tickets for adults are 11 bucks. Get there at least 1 hour edits midnight. There's a 98% chance there won't be any parking in the lot across from the theater so you must park on the street. Or you will get towed! 

2. Disneyland. I know it's expensive. I know it's cliche but I love it. A park hopper ticket is worth the 160 dollars plus 20 dollar parking. Fast pass as many rides as you can, go in single rider lines wherever there is one, watch world of Color at California adventure park (because it's way better than the fireworks), and feel just like you were when you were 5 when you believed in magic and happily ever afters.
3. Hop on Hop off bus tour and the wax museum in Hollywood. The latter allows you to fan girl (or guy) without actually embarrassing yourself in front of the actual celeb. The former is an amazing steal for the all the things you get to see. It's given in like 10 different languages or something so it's perfect for foreigners too. On the hop on hop off bus you could go to Santa Monica for a day at the beach or at the pier. I'm LA make sure to stop at the Grove and the Farmers Market for good food and shopping. Avoid LA traffic by taking the metro. Also if you're staying outside the metros like you can take metrolink or Amtrak trains into Union station and take the red line to Hollywood and Vine.
4. Crystal Cove, Newport. Beautiful sunset and beautiful smaller beach than HB. Enjoy a drink or dinner at the restaurant there.
5. Harbor House Cafe. Quiet litter ally my favorite restaurant of all time. Located in Sunset Beach and open 24/7 it's a must go. They have a huge menu and amazing decor in the tiny Jose like restaurant. Other food places I love includes: Sugar Shack, Sandy's at the Beach, and Mona Lisa.

There are so many things I could recommend or say, but I hope this gets your wheels turning. So come out to the Golden State and if you're just as crazy as us stay awhile. But the #1 rule of visiting California is never ever ever call it Cali. You heard it here. Catch ya ok the flip side. 

So

So you're dead.
So you're moving out of the house that will forever be in my head,
So I'm going back there with all you,
And all that motherfucking drama too,
So I got accepted now what?
I'm still here in this rut.
Or maybe I'm not; maybe I'm climbing out,
But I'm weighed down by this self doubt.
If you were here you'd tell me I could do it,
If you weren't moving we'd still be apart,
I still need a job,
Acceptance is something,
You try.
Don't you?
So would they love me if they knew sometimes I wanna be a boy?
So can I tell them I want to be called Ky?
Can a start anew in a new school with new people?
So,
Sew,
Sue.
I miss you.
You left me,
And he left me,
And I left,
And I pushed,
And I broke down
But you were there
So,
So I'm just supposed to live on?
Really?
How does that work?
How can I go through my life and all the accomplishments knowing you're so,
So,
So,
SO
Fucking far away!
I don't feel you, I can barely hear you, and I'm afraid.
So here I am
So here I stay
Wondering if you know?
Wondering if we'll ever see each other again?
Wondering if I can ever really let go of the past?
Wondering if love can last?
Wondering if I chose the right path?
Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.
I wish you were
So selfish I know
But you were the only one who really understood.
So.... yeah.