Maybe

Maybe just maybe you scared me,
Maybe the big bang made me think you were hurt.
Maybe my heart skipped a beat,
As  I flew to my feet,
To rush to your side to see a hole in the wall.
Maybe it scared me thinking of what else you might do,
When you know better but you did it anyway.
Would you hurt someone else?
Would you hurt me?
As I hugged you there in the playroom I thought, "I choose this"
And that reminded me of that asshole who is full of maybes.
I sat back down next to you in your room and you started talking to me.
You were stressed I could tell and I was trying to console you.
But maybe you didn't want me to.
Or maybe I said something that you didn't want to hear.
Well the truth isn't always nice.
And you know me well enough to know I'm a truth teller.
I am a human I yelled and I don't always know what to say.
I don't expect you to.
Well I think maybe you kinda do.
Truthfully, I don't know what you want me to say,
What you want me to do,
I'm trying to understand your frustration,
Your worry,
But then your feelings get caught up ij a flurry,
And I,
All I can do is watch.
Watch as you get up angry.
Listen as you yell fuck.
Watch as you look madder and madder at me,
When really you can only be mad at you.
Maybe the truth is it maddens me that I can't be more helpful,
Maybe it hurt my feelings that you made it seem like I'm not capable of writing this paper,
Maybe life is full of maybes and if you let them the maybes will take over.
But we can't let them win,
Baby you can't let the maybes in.
Take one known at a time and travel from stone to stone,
You'll get to the other side slowly but surely,
Surely life is hard, life is tough,
But when things get rough,
Giving up is no maybe,
So don't hold your breath,
You'll scare me to death,
And in death you'll surrender all your maybes to King No
But maybe has the art of being a yes at heart,
Because you can't spell maybes without yes,
And yes it's corny at best but if you believe in you like I do,
All your maybes can become yeses to.

Babies Equal Happiness

What it would be to have a baby,
Not a doll,
Not a friend,
But a baby cut from my own bread,
A baby with my DNA,
My voice in their head,
And who's well being I'd dread,
What I wouldn't give to be a mother,
And make my unborn baby boy a brother,
Two or three times over.
How happy it must feel to wake up every morn,
To see that smiling face that you have born,
Oh, the games I could play,
That could make years feel like just one day,
That can turn unmotivated hours into busy seconds,
How much love I would feel,
For every chubby ounce of my baby would be undeinably real,
What's undeniable now though is the sadness I feel.
My life goes in slow motion.
Life for me doesn't pass like waves of the ocean.
More like quick sand turned into cement,
Stuck!
School is tedious, life is slow,
I'm only getting older, as we all know.
I'm worried, I'm crying,
What little self motivation I had is certainly dying.
I'm stressing, I'm guessing,
That the future's end is closely pressing.
If tomorrow it all ended and my life's light went black,
I'd have lived a not full life and there'd be no going back.
To die not mother would be to die in shame,
That would mean my whole life was in vain!
Is it crazy that I put so much weight,
On the outcome of my procreating fate?
Maybe
Is motherhood easy?
No
Is it rewarding?
Yes.
Opinion or not the fact still lies with how I feel.
My feelings are 100% real!
If I can't be a mom I am nothing.
I am no one and my life has no meaning.
For a person who changes her mind often,
In my 22 years this desire never did soften.
I envy those who already have kids.
Even if they are 19 and unmarried.
I'm aware that when it comes to life results may vary,
But I'm very serious when I say,
I want to be a mom more than anything okay?
Passion doesn't follow logic,
My heart doesn't follow my brain,
And my heart is telling me.
Babies equal happiness!

Where You Are

I'd be lying if I said I don't think of you,
Where you are and what you do,
You're probably gettin' high safely in the walls of your bedroom,
And working for your dad at the carnival I would assume,
Dating some tweeker, heroin addict, or stoner chick who has more enemies than friends,
You're lettin' your mom raise your son no doubt,
And not fighting to change anything with the baby mama,
Because if it ain't broke don't fix it right?
You're such a Libra.
A pacifist who knows he's shit but blames everyone else,
You're lying about everything to everyone,
Your grandpa would be ashamed,
Heroin is going to take you to your grave,
Or at the very least to prison,
Your mind is stuck in that of a 12 year old,
With the body of an almost 22 year old,
Which clashes just as much as your words do with your actions.
You have no friends, I bet.
In your ways you are set.
You are isolated and depressed,
And undoubtedly stressed,
Since everyday you dig yourself into a deeper hole,
The cycle continues,
Crave, lie, scramble, and then use.
And the golden rule USE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY applies always.
By working your ass off, or mooching off people, or selling every GOD DAMN thing you own!
I know the drug is superior in your brain and has planted a world domination of sorts in your mind.
You can't see anything else.
Is there a good person beneath all the yuck.
I believe there is and you'll find him if you have luck.
Not just luck though but hard work too,
Because the only person that can save you from your addiction is YOU!
Will you do it? Your life will you save?
Is it possible? No, cuz you gotta be brave.
And you, sir who wishes you were madam, are a coward and have been since birth to you was gave,
Do you belong in my thoughts?
I know you don't.
But yet I still think of you and all the shit you put me through.
But the truth is I don't want to know where you are.
I don't want to see your blue Honda Accord on the road.
I don't want to think about you when I see minions or hawaiian things,
Or when I hear "Hey There Delilah" and think of the memories it brings.
Where are you? I can guess, but truthfully I don't care.
And if you want to come where I am you better not dare.
Stay where you are.
High.

Here

Hey, so I'm well aware I haven't been posting as much as I said I would. But life happens. Am I right?

So here's for the excuses:

1. School is getting to that point where shit's gettin' real and you're like, "Damn! I actually have to do and be on top of my work!!!" Even after 17 years of school I'm still a procrastinator. You know what they say, "Old habits die hard."
2. Job hunting is tedious and nerve racking. 
3. My boyfriend. I'd be lying if I said that he doesn't take up a big chunk of my time. Don't get me wrong it's not a bad thing. It's great. I absolutely love spending time with him. (Future blog post coming about happiness related to this.)
4. The Blogger iPhone app keeps malfunctioning. Every time I open it and start writing it just closes itself!!! Completely boggling and beyond frustrating. I might have to call someone about this.
5. I've been traveling. I was out of town the last two weekends in a row.
6. I'm not sure if I've quite figured out how I want to say what I want to say in the next few blog posts. Motivating to write on a day to day basis for personal enrichment proves to be harder than I thought it would be. Suggestions?

Enough for the excuses here's a quick update.

I applied to 3 California State Universities in Southern California and applied for the next semester at community college. Don't know which school I'm going to next fall or what classes I'm taking in the spring. Everything is up in the air and I'm kinda freaking out about it.

My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 3 month anniversary.

I'm so broke, but what college student isn't?

It's October the month of Halloween (my 2nd favorite holiday) so I'm stoked!

That's all for now. Good night peeps. Until next time. Catch you on the flip side.

Moving

Is it just me or is the potential or actual fact of your friends moving away terribly saddening to you too.

My friend was saying that she might want to move up to Washington later on in her academic "career". Another pal is moving to Pennslyvannia to be closer to her true love. My ex bff moved to fucking Maine without a word. A girl I love and have known since 3rd grade is in love with NYC (specifically Manhattan) and I know one day (sooner rather than later) I'll loose her to the city. Needless to say EVERYONE is moving. Well not everyone, but it feels that way.

Do I want to go? No not really. Maybe it's because just recently (finally after 14 years of living in HB, OC, CA) that I've begun to accept it. No, it's beyond acceptance. I actually like it. The weather, the people, the food, the activies we are near, it's suburban small town vibe with over 200k people, and the oxymoron of it all. Maybe I like HB the oxymoron because I'm an oxymoron. A boy girl. A black rainbow. Inside outside. Introverted Extrovert. Right brain left brained mess.

California, at least to me anyway, seems more accepting of people of all different backgrounds and beliefs. I like California. There isn't many places I would leave it for. Besides maybe Memphis, TN, New Orleans, LA, or Seattle, Washington. As I travel and become more accustomed to where I live I think my list of places I don't want to live gets exceedingly longer than the places that I do (or would consider.) Does that make me privileged because I've already traveled so many places in my life? Yes, I'm aware that it does.

But even for a well versed traveler, such as myself, thinking about the not so distant future gets me emotional. Knowing we'll graduate college, get "real" jobs, get married, and have kids reminds me of how soon we will all go our separate ways. How soon we will call other towns home. In house we bought ourselves.

I get so anxious about remembering how get to all those new houses (my sense of direction is shitty.) It makes me angry because who knows if I'll leave and if I don't I'll feel left behind. But am I really left behind if I don't want to go? I guess not. Then I guess really I don't want to feel forgotten. I'm worried they'll forget me. A few months without seeing each other will turn into a few years, and a few years will turn into ten. It makes me sad to think of them leaving because maybe Big Mama is right, "Forever is a long time, and time has a way of changing things."

But I hope time only makes our friendships stronger. I hope that distance makes the heart grow fonder. And that the binds we made when we were young can last through the decades yet to come. Most of all though the question is: will I leave this place too and start a life anew somewhere else? Part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to stay. Change is hard for me; it always has been. The longer you live somewhere the deeper your roots grow and it's harder to uproot the tree when you have to leave.

Moving isn't fun. I was the new kid once back when I was 8 and I don't think I ever want to be the new kid again. Besides it's easier when you are a child since children are more resilient but I'm 22 now. An adult.

In any case the uncertainty of friends moving to far off places where unfamiliar faces roam makes my face want to vomit in the toilet. Fucking nerves.

That's all for now. Until next time catch ya on the flip side. 

When You're Grown

When you're grown maybe you'll understand that all good things end,

That I had to leave,

That camping in the playroom was just make believe,

That there are bigger consequences than having your own space,

That there are bigger responsibilities than wiping your hands and face,

I wish I could tell you all the things I can't say,

Like how I love you and it's hard to walk away,

How life only gets harder, learning gets tougher, and owies come bigger than scrapes on the playground,

How it hurts when people leave, how mending yourself is easier said than done, and how good it feels when someone actually chooses to stick around,

I wish I could tell you to believe in yourself; to let no one push you down,

And if they did I'd tell you to get up and turn right back around,

When you're grown you won't remember me.

You won't remember my look; my voice,

How I criticized your every choice,

When you're grown you won't remember the laughs we shared,

The pictures we took,

Or how enthralled you were with books .

I'll be a light, a fuzzy face in a distant dream,

When you're grown you'll think maybe you imagined me.

But when you're grown you'll remember you were loved.

Loved when you were a little tiny tot.

And to know I was apart of that I don't have to give it much thought,

When you're grown you will know,

You'll have to leave someone you've watched grow,

You'll have to sadly let go and watch someone else take the wheel,

And then you'll know how grown ups feel,

You'll wish for simple days when everything could be cured by hugs,

When the world was filled with excitement and love,

When everything was new and you were so small,

When you were little and had barely lived at all,

When your friends were many and your worries were few,

And when happy endings were abundant and wishes came true.

You'll grow up one day,

It's the truth I say,

But this is true too: I'll always love you!

Even when you're grown and I'm a distant half memory.

Even then my friends.

Yes, even then.

So, here's to the future, to hopes, to dreams

And you becoming the people you were meant to be.

I'm with you. 

That's all for now until next time catch ya on the flip side.

Ps. I know I haven't posted in awhile. I couldn't even post one day for a WEEK! It's lame but I'm busy (but mostly just LAZY as fuck!) Yes I'm aware fuck isn't lazy. But in any case I'm gonna try to post 3 days a week. Thanks for "staying tuned" Love ya 

Memories

Do old memories haunt you? Well they sure as hell haunt me. Rather they never seem to stop haunting me. Running through my high school campus to watch a family friend in a play makes so many memories flood back into my mind like water rushing out of a broken dam. The pool, the laughs, the long practices, the kisses, the drama, and everything him. Will I always look for him there? Probably even though I don't expect him to be. He doesn't like swim. He didn't like high school. But he loved you and it wasn't enough. And the quad where you ate lunch, the different groups, the unshared food, the escalating clapping over nothing at all. Almost 4 years you stood on that hill. In real life it seems like a life time ago. When you run by it it seems like yesterday. The X building, and dance hell, the bomb threat, the APA shows, the  pictures on the wall of people you know frozen in time. The blackbox, sign songs, and the lead up to the stage that you never really had a presence on because no one gave you a chance. The competition too deep, the hurt too much you can barely bare it now. Even four years later. And so it goes onward and onward for forever. High school ends, four years compared to a life time is small, minscule even, but the memories they never stop. They never stop streaming in like nightmares into sleeping little kids' heads. Although, the difference is: they can wake up; it's all make believe. I can't, this is my reality. Memories go away. Come again another day. I'm over you. That's all for now until next time catch ya on the flip side. 

Disney Tag

#1 Favorite Princess

Pocahontas or Mulan except technically she's not a princess.

#2 Favorite Prince

Aladdin (he becomes a prince in the 2nd movie okay)

#3 Favorite Couple

Maid Marian and Robin Hood

#4 Least Favorite Princess

Anna (she's way too popular) 

#5 Least Favorite Prince

Hans because he's evil!!! 

#6 Least Favorite Couple

Hans and Anna, because doom.

#7 Favorite Dress/Outfit

Tinkerbell or Peter Pan

#8 Least Favorite Dress/Outfit

Ariel's wedding dress. *throws up a little bit in mouth*

#9 A Princess Who Inspires You

Mulan and Pocahontas. 

#10 Worst Decision Made by a Princess

Wendy's decision to leave Neverland. I'm waiting for you to rescue me Peter! *sighs*

#11 A Villain You Feel Was Justified in Their Treatment of [the] Princess/Prince

Okay don't kill me but Scar. He was never going to be King not with both Mufasa and Simba in the way. Messed up? Hell ya! Totally wrong absolutely. But makes 100% sense when you consider he's the younger brother. 

#12 A Princess You Would Like to Trade Places With

Tinkerbell. (Yes I know she's not really a princess) 

#13 A Princess Whose Life You Would Hate to Have

Elsa's. She's spends most of her life in isolation. Plus she has ice powers. I hate snow. Ps. I know she's a queen most of the movie. 

#14 A Princess You Think is a Bad Role Model for Young Girls

Alice. That movies awesome, but all sorts of fucked up. 

#15 Favorite Tiara

Idk I never really paid attention to their tiaras

#16 Favorite Song Sung by a Princess (can include duets)

Reflection or Just Around the Riverbend 

#17 Least Favorite Song Sung by a Princess (can include duets)

Someday My Prince Will Come. Tbh: Snow White's voice is just annoying. 

#18 The Princess With Whom You Would  Be Best Friends

Ariel, Belle, or Jasmine

#19 The Princess With Whom You Would Be Frenemies

Cinderella

#20 The Princess You Would Openly Hate and Be Enemies With

Snow White 

#21 The Princess You Would Dress As for a Halloween/Costume Party

I've been many before my fav was probably Mulan. 

#22 List Three Admirable Qualities About the Princess You Named on Question number #4

Dedicated, Loving, Funny. 

#23 A Princess You Feel Didn’t Deserve Her Happy Ending

The happy ending is the main component. So wether they deserved it or not is a totally obsolete question.

#24 The Happy Ending You Feel Didn’t Make Sense/Was Too Easy

Aurora's is easy for her but not for any of the other characters so I pick her. 

#25 Favorite Sidekick

Iago or Lafou 

#26 Most Interesting Story

Fox and the Hound

#27 Best Singing Voice

Elsa 

#28 Edge of Your Seat: The Moment You Find Most Exciting

Pocahontas running to save John Smith

#29 If You Were a Disney Princess, What Would Your Story Be?

Girl/boy who overcomes social norms and learns to be herself.

#30 What Do You Want to See from the Next Disney Princess?

A Mexican princess with a feature film and a lesbian or bi princess.

I'd love to hear your answers to some (or all of these questions.) That's all for now. Until next time catch you on the flip side. 

New Shit, Same Blog

Yo, Ky here. I'm aware I haven't posted an actual blog post in a LOOOOONNNGGGG ass time. (Well except for that review of Midnight in Paris I had to post for school but that doesn't really count.) Sorry for being MIA but life is busy.

Highlights:

Dated a drug addict (Heroin) I hate him, not going back ever

Found a more comfortable gender identity and name: Ky, Bigender, They/Them pronouns. Slowly asking people to call me that. It's a process. I'm aware it's a strange concept to most. I don't expect everyone to call me that and that's okay. But if you can, my dear readers, that would stellar. If you have any questions about this topic feel free to email me.

Got an Associates of Arts Degree!!! Woo hoo! Baby steps.

Picked a career path to pursue: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Got a new BF who is soooo AMAZING! (If you're reading this babe love you)

So, here's the DEALIO, I'm going to post once a day. Big commitment but it will really exercise my writing which is obvy something I'm passionate about.

Post Schedule*
Sunday: Hot Topic (I don't like news really but a little is necessary I think. Plus I did journalism once. Let's do it again.)
Monday: Meter Mondays (When I do a poem blog post. Today is the exception of course.)
Tuesday: Tag Tuesdays (When I answer questions from tags you would see on YouTube. It's way easier here though because no video editing)
Wednesday: TBD (Possibly same as Friday)
Thursday: " "
Friday: Freewrite Fridays (When I write, or rant rather about whatever I want.)
Saturday: Story Saturdays (I'll post a chapter or a portion from one of the stories I wrote or am writing. So lucky you if it ever gets published you get a FREE sneak peak. Free is my favorite price.)

*Note: Post Schedule is subject to change at my discretion, but I'll try to give you guys warning and stay true to the form

I'm looking forward to this. Not sure where it will lead, but isn't that just like the rest of life. I think so. That's all for now. Until next time catch ya on the flip side.

Midnight In Paris Review

Midnight is Paris was a movie nominated for Best Picture in 2012. It didn't win. The plot is Owen Wilson, Gil, and his finance go to Paris for a vacation and also so Gil can continue writing a novel. While there Gil gets in magic car at midnight that takes him back in time to 1920's Paris. There he meets famous authors and arts of the era such as Gertrude Stien, Pablo Picasso, Ernest Hemingway, and T.S. Elliot just to name a few.

Time travel is NOT new to movies or books. The Back to the Future Series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban, The Time Traveler's Wife; Molly Moon and The Hypnotic Time Travel Adventure all focus on time travel. It is a common realization of the main character in a time travel story to realize that it's better to live in their own present and let life run its natural course than a use time traveling privileges. This is exactly what Gil figures out. So Woody Allen your story is not exactly unique.

After reading A Movebale Feast (AMF)  by Ernest Hemingway it was a little more interesting to see the 20s famous people as it was back when I first watched the movie in 2012. Gertrude Stien seemed nicer in the movie than she seemed in AMF. Hemingway seemed to be more aggressive in the movie than the pushover he portrayed himself as in AMF. It makes me wonder who's point of view is the accurate one: Hemingway's or Allen's? I guess we'll never know.

Upon watching this movie the first time back in 2012 I remember thinking it was cute enough but not something I thought should win an Ocar. And most definitely something I would not watch again. After being forced to watch it in my English Lit Crirical Thinking class a few days back I think I was even less moved than before by the film. Knowing who the characters were in real life did not make me more interested. It actually made me more annoyed. I could not just sit back and passively enjoy the film. I would here a name and think now who was that again? What are they famous for? Not only was it hard to remember what everyone did it was even more annoying because I do not much care about old Paris writers. Needless to say Midnight In Paris is not a movie I would recommend and is one I hope to not have to watch a third time.

That's all for now. Until next time catch ya on the flip side.