My friend was saying that she might want to move up to Washington later on in her academic "career". Another pal is moving to Pennslyvannia to be closer to her true love. My ex bff moved to fucking Maine without a word. A girl I love and have known since 3rd grade is in love with NYC (specifically Manhattan) and I know one day (sooner rather than later) I'll loose her to the city. Needless to say EVERYONE is moving. Well not everyone, but it feels that way.
Do I want to go? No not really. Maybe it's because just recently (finally after 14 years of living in HB, OC, CA) that I've begun to accept it. No, it's beyond acceptance. I actually like it. The weather, the people, the food, the activies we are near, it's suburban small town vibe with over 200k people, and the oxymoron of it all. Maybe I like HB the oxymoron because I'm an oxymoron. A boy girl. A black rainbow. Inside outside. Introverted Extrovert. Right brain left brained mess.
California, at least to me anyway, seems more accepting of people of all different backgrounds and beliefs. I like California. There isn't many places I would leave it for. Besides maybe Memphis, TN, New Orleans, LA, or Seattle, Washington. As I travel and become more accustomed to where I live I think my list of places I don't want to live gets exceedingly longer than the places that I do (or would consider.) Does that make me privileged because I've already traveled so many places in my life? Yes, I'm aware that it does.
But even for a well versed traveler, such as myself, thinking about the not so distant future gets me emotional. Knowing we'll graduate college, get "real" jobs, get married, and have kids reminds me of how soon we will all go our separate ways. How soon we will call other towns home. In house we bought ourselves.
I get so anxious about remembering how get to all those new houses (my sense of direction is shitty.) It makes me angry because who knows if I'll leave and if I don't I'll feel left behind. But am I really left behind if I don't want to go? I guess not. Then I guess really I don't want to feel forgotten. I'm worried they'll forget me. A few months without seeing each other will turn into a few years, and a few years will turn into ten. It makes me sad to think of them leaving because maybe Big Mama is right, "Forever is a long time, and time has a way of changing things."
But I hope time only makes our friendships stronger. I hope that distance makes the heart grow fonder. And that the binds we made when we were young can last through the decades yet to come. Most of all though the question is: will I leave this place too and start a life anew somewhere else? Part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to stay. Change is hard for me; it always has been. The longer you live somewhere the deeper your roots grow and it's harder to uproot the tree when you have to leave.
Moving isn't fun. I was the new kid once back when I was 8 and I don't think I ever want to be the new kid again. Besides it's easier when you are a child since children are more resilient but I'm 22 now. An adult.
In any case the uncertainty of friends moving to far off places where unfamiliar faces roam makes my face want to vomit in the toilet. Fucking nerves.
That's all for now. Until next time catch ya on the flip side.
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