Crazy

Things I contemplate on a daily basis:

-Suicide (In so many ways. All painful.)

-Homicide (A lot of people piss me off and sometimes I just want to kill them all... not in pretty ways either.)

-Running Away (To anywhere, to somewhere specific sometimes, mostly I just think I'll drive and drive until I'm good and lost and settle down there with all the money I don't have.)

-Leaving my Job (Like not formally. Finally yelling at the girls higher than me. Telling them what a bunch of power hungry bitches they are and walking out. Never looking back.)

-Throwing all my Writing Away (Because it's all shit anyway.)

-Hurting Myself (In ways I don't wanna talk about. They aren't pretty. But I wouldn't die, that's all i will say about that.)

-Going to Him (Him is now code for my ex best friend. I just think if I show up at his doorstep or at his work he'll have to talk to me and things will change. Go back to the way they were or maybe better even.)

-Life in General (Am I going anywhere? Why am I here? How can I trust anyone? How can anyone love a girl as broken as me? And so many more questions there are much too many to list.)

So if you were ever to think that KELSEY has it EASY. God I wish I was Kelsey. Think again because I promise you you don't want to be in my head. In this messed up mind. Going on with a half dead, broken, bleeding, and barely beating heart.

However, I am tougher than all the pain. Somehow, I'll make it through. Not that I believe it. Not a little bit. Not all. But people tell me so. And they can't all be bold faced LIARS right?

I'm loosing my mind. I'm going insane. I never had sanity to begin with anyway. Get me out of this house. Let me take care of someone else. Everyone else. Until I can find someone who can take care of me. And the Princess I rightfully am. I'm a Princess goddamn-it! I don't care what you think what you think of me... that's a lie I do. More than I care what I think about me. I care about others over me always. I get stepped on. It sucks.

Life sucks... it's okay. Okay means bad. Bad means terrible. Good means okay. And great means great. Why can't people just say what they mean. Some things in life are so backwards. Especially me, I seem to do everything backwards.

Sorry for the rant, actually sorry not sorry. Never apologize for your feelings, because how you feel is valid. Making sense of this crazy world one tangent at a time. So until next time catch you on the flip side.  

Sweet (or Not So Sweet) Kisses

I think every time I lost someone whether or not by choice; I lost a little bit of myself. Part of me died. Similarly, in reverse when I gain someone. When the love me; when they are my friend I gain a bit of me back. Maybe not the same part that I lost, but a better "different" part of me. I don't know if I have more of me lost or more of me gained at the moment. I just thought I'd make a tribute to all the people I've kissed with one sentence about each of them. How I feel about them or whatever. This is them in order and for their sake I am just giving them numbers no names. If you are one of the 18 I hope you can figure out who you are.
1) You are not the person you were, but back then it was a big deal.
2) You are an asshole, but you are my asshole.
3) You are my first love; you are the worst, but still I think of you.
4) My biggest rebound ever, you are so gross, but you helped me try to move on.
5) God you broke me and I don't think you will ever understand how much I really liked you.
6) I believed that you really loved me and you did once, but that was it.
7) I'm sorry I used you, but we aren't even remotely similar.
8) I care about you more than you'll ever know, but a relationship was just never in the cards for us.
9) It was impulsive and strange to others maybe, but you are a real sweetheart.
10) You used me in more ways than one; I guess what goes around comes around.
11) I was a fool and all I hear is your voice saying, "You don't want this do you?"
12) It's still complicated and confusing, but the truth is I think you are playing  me.
13) You are my best friend and it was bound to happen sooner or later.
14) You're just a kid, you remind me a lot of #2, but i know you'll turn out fine.
15) You weren't even on my radar, I found you and it was great, until you pulled a #5.
16) It was a dare, but you meant so much more to me than any game.

17) You are really attractive, but it was nothing more than a meaningless kiss at a party.
18) I really thought it might work and now I'm worried I scared you off entirely.

So that's all for now guys. Until next time catch you on the flip side.

Just?

I just want to be loved,
Is that too much to ask for?
I just want someone to hold me tight,
Kiss my lips and tell me everything is going to be alright,
I want to deliberately waste time together,
I want to be the one they treasure,
I want to be the last thing they think about at night,
And the first thing they think about when they wake up the next day,
I want them to be there to see me smile,
And be there to wipe my tears away,
To tell me I look beautiful in my party dress,
Or in my pjs no less,
To love me at my best and at my worst,
To find me when I'm lost, when I'm hurt,
And when they find me to never let go,
I just want someone to hold my hand,
Listen to my problems, say they understand,
I want them to really get it, me I mean,
I want them to feel,
To try,
To give it their all,
To be real,
Because I'm tired of all the liars in this world,
The haters, the wannabes, the pretenders, the flakes,
I'm tired of broken promises,
And shattered dreams,
Tired of disappointment,
In all its forms,
Tired of let downs,
But mostly tired of being mad,
Feeling sad,
Feeling utterly alone,
Afraid I'll always be this way,
How could anyone fall in love with a girl like me anyway?
Yes I understand,
He's just a boy,
They are all just boys,
Boys being boys,
But at some point we have to STOP defending them,
Have to STOP pretending how they treat us is okay,
Playing us, tossing us and our feelings aside like they never mattered anyway,
I just want to stop beating myself up,
I want to stop thinking it's my fault,
I just want to stop replaying EVERY SINGLE relationship I've had in my head,
All the moments the good and the bad,
Searching for where it turned,
And why it is the way it is,
I just want to stop playing the what if game,
Beacuse it's a game no one will ever win only loose,
I'm finding a pattern in my actions, now it's time to choose,
My path, whatever that may be,
Challenege, however, is my reality,
I'm trying so hard,
Pushing maybe a bit too much,
Striving to find that love, to be enough,
Something has to change,
I have to STOP acting this way,
Something is wrong,
Is this beyond my control?
I hate my mind,
That's why I can't sleep,
It's keeping me up,
Eating away at what little self esteem and optimism I have left,
Until it's all gone and I'm gone,
The old me will be gone,
Somewhere between the old me and the now me,
Is the real me that I need to find,
But in the meantime,
Can someone hold me close?
Hold my hand?
Squeeze it tightly?
Tell me they understand?
Give me flowers just because?
Dream of what could be and not dwell on what was?
Kiss me silly?
Tell me I'm pretty?
Be with me?
Lie with me?
Cry with me?
Go on adventures with me?
Call me up just to say goodnight?
Can I just have a romance?
A boyfriend, a real one?
Or is that just too much to ask for?

That's all for now until next time catch you on the flip side.

Betrayal

Dear Mr. Polar Bear Sir,

My little sister is quite upset. She came home today Coca Cola bottle in hand tears streaming down her face. She was so beside herself she could hardly speak. But threw her uncontrollable tears she managed to say, " Mr. Polar Bear didn't let me in today... I even brought him his favorite thoda... I used half of my allowance on it. The BIG cave door was CLOTHED thithy! I thaid pleathe let me in.. pretty pleathe with thugar on top. He roared and growled and yelled "GO AWAY LITTLE GIRL! LEAVE!" why I athked "I'm tired of helping you especially with your sister she is depressed and there is NOTHING you can do fix her!"  "You can fix her can't you Mr. Polar Bear thir?" "NO! I can't fix anyone." "But... but... you told me if I believed and was nice to my thither thhe would be happy too... Did you lie?" There was a long pauthe thithy and then he growled, "LEAVE ME ALONE LITTLE GIRL! I have things to do, people to see, and I cannot waste my time anymore being bothered by a little girl like you!" "But... I love you...Don't you love me too" "NO!" And then she continued to cry. She feel into my arms. You broke my sister's pure heart. Her heart that is so big and caring that none can compare. I may be a depressed, ornery, stupid teenager. but even I treat my sister better than that. She BELIEVED in you. She TRUSTED you. She RESPECTED you like she never respected me. And what did you do you selfish Polar Bear you? You stopped her from believing, you broke her trust, and couldn't even give her one minute ounce of respect. She put so much into her relationship with you. Despite what mom told her she walked to your den EVERYDAY after school! Despite how much the kids at school teased her she continued to talk about you. You were the first creature who didn't make fun of her lisp or the fact that she won't take off her Disney Princess light up shoes. No matter how mean I was to her, how many times I slammed my bedroom door in her face, or how many days I was too sad to get out of bed, let alone play; she NEVER gave up on me! You taught her that! You can't even take your own advice. You are the biggest hypocrite. She LOVED you! Do you understand that you sick bastard? She LOVED you! I'm sure most kids are afraid of you. I'm sure up until now you've led a lonely life; trying so hard to find someone to love you that you couldn't even recognize when it was RIGHT in front of your SNOUT! You betrayed my little sister. You stabbed her in the back. She may be annoying, ask too many questions, talk to much and too fast, but she is not malicious. She means well. She genuinely thought you wanted to be her friend ; thought you enjoyed her company. How on EARTH am I going to tell her that the bear she cares about more than ANYTHING in this WORLD is a selfish, gutless, hypocritical traitor. She is going to spend the rest of her life racking her brain trying to figure out what the HELL she did WRONG, when the reality is it is not her fault in the slightest! How do I know that? Because when I was small I was just like her. I may be a lost cause. My train to HAPPINESS has long since left the station, but I will not let my lil sis miss that train. Because unlike you, you cold hearted Polar, I would do anything, I repeat ANYTHING for the ones I LOVE! So good day to you Mr. Polar Bear Sir. I hope the repercussions of your actions soon come to bite you in the butt, for you deserve it.

Sincerely,

Big Sister
P.S. Until next time catch you on the flip side.