How Am I Supposed To Feel

How am I supposed to feel when you fuck me?
How am I supposed to feel when you tell me you don't think you're ready?
Will you ever be?
Should I date other people?
But I don't want to.
Because I like you.
Is that so wrong?
You talk to me, call me beautiful, and amazing.
So tell me how am I supposed to feel?
You say I shouldn't apologize for my feelings
But all I want to say is sorry.
Because I'm afraid if I don't apologize you'll find a reason to leave.
I'm not like other girls.
I'm scared that will drive you away.
How am I supposed to feel when I feel like we are so different
Yet similar all at the same time.
I know where you come from.
I'm not judging you on that.
I'm only judging you on the person you are now.
And I don't know how I feel.
You let me sit there when I cried
You wiped away my tears
And yet maybe even still
A connection isn't in the cards
Maybe it's another dead end
That just ends with us as friends.
I hope not.
So it's probably too soon to tell
There is no fast track to love
Even though I wish there were
I jump too fast.
I give too much.
How am I supposed to feel about all the rest?
Like uncertain futures
And nights spent alone
Does it really all fall into place?
I doubt it.
I feel sad, confused
And kinda like I'm not good enough for anyone
Not even you.
I know it's twisted.
I know it's wrong.
But how am I supposed to feel?

2018 is Hell

It's only been 24 days and it's already the worst year yet.
A one night stand on New Years.
Hopeless swiping on dating apps.
The loss of 2 friends.
Starting school just to feel alone even more.
Fabulous.
Work always needs you.
You have your life all planned out,
And all you can do is wait for everyone else to catch up.
It's exhausting!
You're 20 pounds over weight.
You're single.
You can't get a date.
You're dying from the inside out.
No one cares.
No one sees.
You realized you picked the wrong major.
But there is nothing you can do,
If you want to graduate on time anyway.
So you just put your head down and pretend you give a rats ass.
You feel stuck,
You feel sad,
You feel like banging your head against a wall,
So the thoughts stop spinning.
So my head starts bleeding.
So someone sees that inside I'm dying.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm going to die alone.
Ain't no boy or girl gonna love me
For all that I am,
Ain't no one gonna love me the way I love them.
Ain't no one gonna understand,
Ain't no one gonna hold my hand,
And tell me that it's gonna be okay.
It's not okay.
Rain clouds clear.
Depression clouds hover.
Life is this stupid game people force you to play.
You're supposed to be casual,
Go with the flow.
I don't go with the flow,
I don't smoke weed.
I'm here for a longtime AND a good time.
I want to get married at 25.
Time is fucking ticking.
I want to have 3 kids.
I'm not afraid.
I'm ready.
If you don't want a relationship, don't talk to me,
If you can't really truly be my friend, don't talk to me.
You either love all of me or you don't get the chance to love me.
I need someone smart.
I need someone ambitious.
I'm done with the random sex.
I'm done with this casual bullshit.
Be real 100% or just GTFO!
I do not have room for wishy washy people in my life like you.
To 2018, I'm over you already.
You were supposed to be better.
You lied.