Babies Equal Happiness

What it would be to have a baby,
Not a doll,
Not a friend,
But a baby cut from my own bread,
A baby with my DNA,
My voice in their head,
And who's well being I'd dread,
What I wouldn't give to be a mother,
And make my unborn baby boy a brother,
Two or three times over.
How happy it must feel to wake up every morn,
To see that smiling face that you have born,
Oh, the games I could play,
That could make years feel like just one day,
That can turn unmotivated hours into busy seconds,
How much love I would feel,
For every chubby ounce of my baby would be undeinably real,
What's undeniable now though is the sadness I feel.
My life goes in slow motion.
Life for me doesn't pass like waves of the ocean.
More like quick sand turned into cement,
Stuck!
School is tedious, life is slow,
I'm only getting older, as we all know.
I'm worried, I'm crying,
What little self motivation I had is certainly dying.
I'm stressing, I'm guessing,
That the future's end is closely pressing.
If tomorrow it all ended and my life's light went black,
I'd have lived a not full life and there'd be no going back.
To die not mother would be to die in shame,
That would mean my whole life was in vain!
Is it crazy that I put so much weight,
On the outcome of my procreating fate?
Maybe
Is motherhood easy?
No
Is it rewarding?
Yes.
Opinion or not the fact still lies with how I feel.
My feelings are 100% real!
If I can't be a mom I am nothing.
I am no one and my life has no meaning.
For a person who changes her mind often,
In my 22 years this desire never did soften.
I envy those who already have kids.
Even if they are 19 and unmarried.
I'm aware that when it comes to life results may vary,
But I'm very serious when I say,
I want to be a mom more than anything okay?
Passion doesn't follow logic,
My heart doesn't follow my brain,
And my heart is telling me.
Babies equal happiness!

Where You Are

I'd be lying if I said I don't think of you,
Where you are and what you do,
You're probably gettin' high safely in the walls of your bedroom,
And working for your dad at the carnival I would assume,
Dating some tweeker, heroin addict, or stoner chick who has more enemies than friends,
You're lettin' your mom raise your son no doubt,
And not fighting to change anything with the baby mama,
Because if it ain't broke don't fix it right?
You're such a Libra.
A pacifist who knows he's shit but blames everyone else,
You're lying about everything to everyone,
Your grandpa would be ashamed,
Heroin is going to take you to your grave,
Or at the very least to prison,
Your mind is stuck in that of a 12 year old,
With the body of an almost 22 year old,
Which clashes just as much as your words do with your actions.
You have no friends, I bet.
In your ways you are set.
You are isolated and depressed,
And undoubtedly stressed,
Since everyday you dig yourself into a deeper hole,
The cycle continues,
Crave, lie, scramble, and then use.
And the golden rule USE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY applies always.
By working your ass off, or mooching off people, or selling every GOD DAMN thing you own!
I know the drug is superior in your brain and has planted a world domination of sorts in your mind.
You can't see anything else.
Is there a good person beneath all the yuck.
I believe there is and you'll find him if you have luck.
Not just luck though but hard work too,
Because the only person that can save you from your addiction is YOU!
Will you do it? Your life will you save?
Is it possible? No, cuz you gotta be brave.
And you, sir who wishes you were madam, are a coward and have been since birth to you was gave,
Do you belong in my thoughts?
I know you don't.
But yet I still think of you and all the shit you put me through.
But the truth is I don't want to know where you are.
I don't want to see your blue Honda Accord on the road.
I don't want to think about you when I see minions or hawaiian things,
Or when I hear "Hey There Delilah" and think of the memories it brings.
Where are you? I can guess, but truthfully I don't care.
And if you want to come where I am you better not dare.
Stay where you are.
High.

Here

Hey, so I'm well aware I haven't been posting as much as I said I would. But life happens. Am I right?

So here's for the excuses:

1. School is getting to that point where shit's gettin' real and you're like, "Damn! I actually have to do and be on top of my work!!!" Even after 17 years of school I'm still a procrastinator. You know what they say, "Old habits die hard."
2. Job hunting is tedious and nerve racking. 
3. My boyfriend. I'd be lying if I said that he doesn't take up a big chunk of my time. Don't get me wrong it's not a bad thing. It's great. I absolutely love spending time with him. (Future blog post coming about happiness related to this.)
4. The Blogger iPhone app keeps malfunctioning. Every time I open it and start writing it just closes itself!!! Completely boggling and beyond frustrating. I might have to call someone about this.
5. I've been traveling. I was out of town the last two weekends in a row.
6. I'm not sure if I've quite figured out how I want to say what I want to say in the next few blog posts. Motivating to write on a day to day basis for personal enrichment proves to be harder than I thought it would be. Suggestions?

Enough for the excuses here's a quick update.

I applied to 3 California State Universities in Southern California and applied for the next semester at community college. Don't know which school I'm going to next fall or what classes I'm taking in the spring. Everything is up in the air and I'm kinda freaking out about it.

My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 3 month anniversary.

I'm so broke, but what college student isn't?

It's October the month of Halloween (my 2nd favorite holiday) so I'm stoked!

That's all for now. Good night peeps. Until next time. Catch you on the flip side.