Sweet (or Not So Sweet) Kisses

I think every time I lost someone whether or not by choice; I lost a little bit of myself. Part of me died. Similarly, in reverse when I gain someone. When the love me; when they are my friend I gain a bit of me back. Maybe not the same part that I lost, but a better "different" part of me. I don't know if I have more of me lost or more of me gained at the moment. I just thought I'd make a tribute to all the people I've kissed with one sentence about each of them. How I feel about them or whatever. This is them in order and for their sake I am just giving them numbers no names. If you are one of the 18 I hope you can figure out who you are.
1) You are not the person you were, but back then it was a big deal.
2) You are an asshole, but you are my asshole.
3) You are my first love; you are the worst, but still I think of you.
4) My biggest rebound ever, you are so gross, but you helped me try to move on.
5) God you broke me and I don't think you will ever understand how much I really liked you.
6) I believed that you really loved me and you did once, but that was it.
7) I'm sorry I used you, but we aren't even remotely similar.
8) I care about you more than you'll ever know, but a relationship was just never in the cards for us.
9) It was impulsive and strange to others maybe, but you are a real sweetheart.
10) You used me in more ways than one; I guess what goes around comes around.
11) I was a fool and all I hear is your voice saying, "You don't want this do you?"
12) It's still complicated and confusing, but the truth is I think you are playing  me.
13) You are my best friend and it was bound to happen sooner or later.
14) You're just a kid, you remind me a lot of #2, but i know you'll turn out fine.
15) You weren't even on my radar, I found you and it was great, until you pulled a #5.
16) It was a dare, but you meant so much more to me than any game.

17) You are really attractive, but it was nothing more than a meaningless kiss at a party.
18) I really thought it might work and now I'm worried I scared you off entirely.

So that's all for now guys. Until next time catch you on the flip side.

Just?

I just want to be loved,
Is that too much to ask for?
I just want someone to hold me tight,
Kiss my lips and tell me everything is going to be alright,
I want to deliberately waste time together,
I want to be the one they treasure,
I want to be the last thing they think about at night,
And the first thing they think about when they wake up the next day,
I want them to be there to see me smile,
And be there to wipe my tears away,
To tell me I look beautiful in my party dress,
Or in my pjs no less,
To love me at my best and at my worst,
To find me when I'm lost, when I'm hurt,
And when they find me to never let go,
I just want someone to hold my hand,
Listen to my problems, say they understand,
I want them to really get it, me I mean,
I want them to feel,
To try,
To give it their all,
To be real,
Because I'm tired of all the liars in this world,
The haters, the wannabes, the pretenders, the flakes,
I'm tired of broken promises,
And shattered dreams,
Tired of disappointment,
In all its forms,
Tired of let downs,
But mostly tired of being mad,
Feeling sad,
Feeling utterly alone,
Afraid I'll always be this way,
How could anyone fall in love with a girl like me anyway?
Yes I understand,
He's just a boy,
They are all just boys,
Boys being boys,
But at some point we have to STOP defending them,
Have to STOP pretending how they treat us is okay,
Playing us, tossing us and our feelings aside like they never mattered anyway,
I just want to stop beating myself up,
I want to stop thinking it's my fault,
I just want to stop replaying EVERY SINGLE relationship I've had in my head,
All the moments the good and the bad,
Searching for where it turned,
And why it is the way it is,
I just want to stop playing the what if game,
Beacuse it's a game no one will ever win only loose,
I'm finding a pattern in my actions, now it's time to choose,
My path, whatever that may be,
Challenege, however, is my reality,
I'm trying so hard,
Pushing maybe a bit too much,
Striving to find that love, to be enough,
Something has to change,
I have to STOP acting this way,
Something is wrong,
Is this beyond my control?
I hate my mind,
That's why I can't sleep,
It's keeping me up,
Eating away at what little self esteem and optimism I have left,
Until it's all gone and I'm gone,
The old me will be gone,
Somewhere between the old me and the now me,
Is the real me that I need to find,
But in the meantime,
Can someone hold me close?
Hold my hand?
Squeeze it tightly?
Tell me they understand?
Give me flowers just because?
Dream of what could be and not dwell on what was?
Kiss me silly?
Tell me I'm pretty?
Be with me?
Lie with me?
Cry with me?
Go on adventures with me?
Call me up just to say goodnight?
Can I just have a romance?
A boyfriend, a real one?
Or is that just too much to ask for?

That's all for now until next time catch you on the flip side.